Naleighna Kai's Literary Cafe Magazine NK LCM February 2018 Anniversary Issue | Page 46

Loving
Through
the Pain
Christine Pauls
“How could I love a child that was conceived during my husband’s affair?”
We met in 1987; married in 1989, and divorced in
1998. Even before the vows were shared between
us, a toxic relationship existed and continued that
way for the majority of our years after we said,
“I do.” That’s a whole other story. However, love
bloomed between a woman and a child.

My then husband and I couldn’t have
children together which he knew going into the
relationship. Some years before meeting him, I’d
personally made that choice after giving birth
to two children, eighteen months apart, by one
man. I was adamant about not bringing any more
children into this world. Because I was so young,
the doctor asked me if I was certain this was the
route I wanted to take. What if I met someone I
wanted to have another child or children with?
What I was choosing to do was permanent. Trust
46 | NKLC Magazine
me, I was more than sure and was willing to take the
risk.
Fast forward. He wanted a child; I knew it. I noticed
the changes and a hint of jealousy when my ex-
husband’s brother started building a family with his
significant other. We’d argue when I brought up his
mood swings.
Into our fourth year of marriage, my husband
confessed to an affair which resulted in the
conception and birth of a child. I’d been through so
much with this man, and in spite of it all, I stayed with
him. It wasn’t a shocker to anyone that I remained
after another punch in the gut. My self-esteem,
confidence, and love for myself were non-existent
during that time. That saying, but I love him was in
full effect. I even believed that I was responsible,
that my inability to give him a child was the reason