The voices that told me that I wasn ’ t good enough overwhelmed any thoughts I may have come up with on my own . Then adolescence happened .
Adolescence is the battleground for identity and the war can be brutal if one isn ’ t well equipped . The only thing that kept me from following the crowd was a healthy fear of disappointing my mother . All of this and I was supposed to be well-adjusted enough as an adult to love somebody else ? Life has a sense of humor , but some jokes aren ’ t funny . I needed validation from somewhere , so I started wookin ’ puh nub in all da wong pwaces — meeting the needs of others so that I could get those familiar smiles that let me know I did a good job . This kind of “ loving ” allowed me to think that I had to tire myself in order to receive love and this caused some resentment when I felt overextended . I wanted to be loved without having to work like a slave to get it . But I ’ m supposed to be growing to be like Jesus , right ? I had to change my perspective because being “ like Jesus ” wasn ’ t working out with the way I was doing things . Jesus knew who He was as much as He understood His purpose . That ’ s what I needed to do ; I had learn about myself . n order to develop a deep love for myself , I ’ ve had to learn a number of things . The process has been as exciting as it ’ s been unnerving .
The first thing I had to learn was to silence “ negative ” voices . Iyanla VanZant always says that a person can only love you as much as is within himself or herself . This was , by far , the hardest thing to begin with . Some of those voices were “ gifted ” to me by the ones I loved or at least the ones I wanted to love me the way I needed to be loved . Some of those voices spoke from the fears or lack or love they had for themselves . Some spoke from monstrous experiences that had happened to them . All of them wellmeaning , albeit fearful and criticizing . The challenge was in not taking what was being said personally . Limiting the time I spent with those who speak negatively was crucial .
Once I stopped keeping company with those voices , I had to learn to be okay with being by myself . For me , that wasn ’ t a bad thing . Peace of mind is priceless and
I could finally explore some things that I hadn ’ t before because there was always someone lovingly discouraging me from doing what I wanted to do .
My mother knew her child . I ’ ve always thought I was cute . I found that standing in the mirror and telling myself the things I wanted to hear was good for my esteem . I looked at the body in the mirror and admired it — big , dark hair , full lips , a nicely placed birthmark at the corner of my right eye , and curves for days —“ God made no mistakes on me ,” I ’ d tell myself . I discovered my voice and I exercised it often , especially when it came to loving my appearance .
This means I became a student of myself . Once I surveyed the outside , I took an inventory of what was inside . What did I like about myself ? What do I feel like I want to improve about myself ? What were my strengths and abilities ? What was my unfiltered opinion about current events ? What was I interested in doing for myself ? What motivates me ? What inspires me ? If there was something that I didn ’ t want to do , I had to decide if this was my voice or one of the records playing from my childhood . The more I researched myself , the more I appreciated myself , the more that I loved myself . The love that I ’ d give to my neighbor wasn ’ t such a struggle anymore because I wasn ’ t trying to give from a place of lack . I also understood when I needed to say “ no ” so that my love and energy wouldn ’ t be depleted .
This process hasn ’ t been easy since research of any kind is time-consuming , but it ’ s the best thing I did for myself . I deserve the spa days and movie nights I treat myself to and don ’ t complain about the cost . I love myself unconditionally and my neighbors reap the benefit of the love I have for myself .
MarZé Scott , a lifelong resident of Ypsilanti , Michigan , is a lover of all things creative . While taking care of her family , she indulges Her passions of reading , writing , drawing , and makeup artistry . She has been writing short stories and poems since elementary school and developed a taste for writing about provocative topics like the consequences of casual sex in high school . Her debut novel , Gemini Rising is due for release 2018 .
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