Naleighna Kai's Literary Cafe Magazine NK LCM February 2018 Anniversary Issue | Page 13

Angelia Vernon Menchan
I shrugged off his words but they pierced my bones. I felt
it deep inside and it was something my husband, sister, and
others hadn’t already said to me in different ways. His eyes
searched mine and instead of actually saying, “You hurt
my feelings”, I dealt with it by putting on a smile, burying
it deep down and allowing it to meld with the other anger
that was ever-present.
* * *
By the time I was in my mid-thirties, my imbedded anger
had started to surface. I was working at the time in a rather
high-energy job, and there were myriad management
issues concerning employees and I was the buffer for them.
I wasn’t feeling well, made myself an appointment, and
was shocked when my blood pressure registered 148/99.
Before that, I had been proud of my low blood pressure and
somehow it had become extremely elevated. Of course, I
went through a series of tests and appointments; and at
thirty-six ended up on medication. I started doing all the
physical things that would help, but to no avail.
One night, I unleashed on my then preteen eldest son, and
almost collapsed from the exertion. He was in that ‘I am
going to drive my mom insane,’ age and it was working.
I sent him and his younger brother to their rooms, and
was lying on the sofa when my husband arrived. I must
have looked really awful because he sat down beside me,
touching me to see if I were feverish. I told him what
happened and his words rained down on me.
“Baby, you let them, all of us make you too mad. You
try to be everything to everyone and you can’t. You are
also on a rapid career track and it’s taking a toll on you.
They have you working on holidays and they call you at
midnight when the machines go down. Something has to
give.”
I burst into tears because there was that angry thing again
and he was right. For most of my twenties and early thirties
my life was devoted to him and our sons and instead of
careers I had jobs for the most part. The few ladders I
climbed, I had to climb down from when it was time to
go. Though I pretended it didn’t bother me, it really did. I
felt I was being cheated and didn’t know how to articulate
that without sounding ‘unwife-like’ or ‘bad-motherish.’
That was at the root of my issues. I was mired down in
perfectionism and not admitting what truly bothered me
but blowing up at infractions which weren’t that big a deal.
I recall getting off the sofa and making my way upstairs to
pray. I prayed very perfunctorily at best during that time of
my life and church wasn’t in the equation. But that day, I
talked to God asking for guidance.
The guidance didn’t come immediately but it started to
trickle in. We were a few months from leaving Germany
and I gave my notice at a job I actually hated. Then, I started
focusing on my health by riding my bike and walking. I
also began to consciously think about what I was going
to say and how I was going to say it; realizing everything
didn’t need a response. I literally woke up speaking those
words to myself. It was amazing how well it works when it
becomes part of a routine. Most times, I was literally able
to talk myself out of an argument or a response.
When we moved, I immediately enrolled in college to
get an advanced degree —something I had put off doing
for years. I had saved enough and could still contribute.
I must be honest and say initially, my folks didn’t
respond well to my changes. They saw my not going off
or commenting on everything they did as not caring. My
husband once said he was going to do something that
would have previously angered me, and I responded with
“Okay, but count me out.”
They didn’t have to agree with the changes, but they
got used to them. I needed to release the anger for myself,
because it put my health, my emotional and mental state in
jeopardy. I learned that I had to be important to me. After
all, I had put everyone else first for years. Now I know
better, so I do better.
Angelia Vernon Menchan is an avid serial writer. Her goal is to engage readers in ongoing stories
filled with people like them, who they can grow to know. Some will inspire love and devotion,
others rage and ridicule, perhaps. They will all inspire feelings and generate conversation .
http:\\honorablemenchenmedia.blogspot.com
NKLC Magazine | 13