Naleighna Kai's Literary Cafe Magazine March 2017 Issue | Page 16

Janine A . Ingram Forgiveness is an ongoing process

Here is that “ F ” word again …
This is how I felt when it kept coming up in my space . Why do I have to be the bigger person ? Why do I have to be the one always going around forgiving folks when they , as the old folks would say , done me wrong ?
Forgiveness has always been an interesting process because growing up in the church it seemed like a weak idea . When you ’ re slapped , you must turn the other cheek and get slapped again . What ? Forgiveness never felt authentic . Remember when your parents told you to apologize ( for something they felt you did wrong , but you didn ’ t ) or you were going to get a whooping ? Most chose to say “ sorry ” instead of getting the whooping . That was common sense . Protecting one ’ s own assets is true survival . But in some of those cases , I was not sorry for what I did . However , I have evolved from those days and have come to see forgiveness in a different light .
I was sitting in the middle of my bed when I got slapped with the F-word , yet again . I was angry because I didn ’ t understand why life kept showing up for me the way it did . Things were not going the way I planned . Let me get real right here — I was hurt again by a man who I thought I loved with my entire heart . The pain was excruciating . I was crying to God again , practically screaming and cursing . ( Whew I am so glad God is God , because I let loose .) Finally , when I calmed down , the only thing that I could voice was , “ Why ? Why God ?”
A book sitting on my bed shifted and opened to a page that spoke on forgiveness . I stared at it for a moment , thinking , “ I don ’ t have anybody to forgive . I love everybody ”. That ’ s truly what a lot of people say and believe . A still small voice whispered to me to draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper , then write down the pros and the cons of the relationship that I had put so much faith in . The cons : rejection ; abandonment ; pain from him not showing up when he said he would ; not honoring my birthday ; voracious appetite for women , which all made me feel less than important to him . The Voice asked me , “ When was the earliest you can remember feeling this way ?”
A vision of myself as an eight-year-old girl appeared in my mind . I was sitting in the window waiting on my mother for my birthday . Definitely had a strong