Lilli ’ s words came to him just as he rounded the doorway to the kitchen . “ No , you go . I can ’ t see it again .” He found his mother sitting with her feet planted on the floor , shoulder width apart , bright eyes open and cast to the ceiling , with a hole blown through the middle of her chest .
Liam braced himself against the doorframe as he began to sob . He stood there with wide-eyed and tear-stained pain as the last measure of his youth drained from him like blood rushing from an open vein . When it was done , his body slid to the ground . We are alone , he thought . There ’ s no one left . Though Liam had been staring at her body since he entered the kitchen , he had not seen the gun in her hand until he noticed a fly land on it . At first his mind could not decipher the meaning of the scene before him . Was he meant to believe that she did this to herself ?
Confusion caused him to draw closer to her body . Though his eyes were still filled with tears , they were no longer breaking through the barriers of his lower lids . This momentary fortitude allowed him to have the courage to look directly into her face and see her open smile . The sight of it knocked him down and back into the base cabinets . She was smiling . She was smiling , he thought . She had known what was coming , and she was smiling .
The implications made him immediately sick and angry before their full meaning could even register .
As if retching the contents of his stomach into the kitchen sink made room for clarity , he suddenly understood the reason behind her smile . She had killed herself . She had done this to herself , on purpose . He threw up again in a wave of protest at the notion that she would abandon them , even as the resentment of her betrayal took root . How could she do this ? She wouldn ’ t do this . She promised . Rather than try to sort out the conflict of thoughts and emotions inside him , he decided to check on Lilli .
As he peered over his shoulder toward the doorway , his eyes caught the folded cuff of his mother ’ s sweatshirt , which was turquoise save for the blood , and a little corner of white paper that was peeking out . Simple curiosity forced him to bend down and retrieve it . When he rolled down her sleeve to get it , the key to his gym locker at school slipped out before he could fully unroll the note .