rarily . And most of the time it ’ s me who caused all this mess in the first place .
I remember us huddling in the study and Mom says , “ I don ’ t see the point in life .” And the scary thing is I can see that she means it ; she won ’ t mean it tomorrow or the day after when the moment ’ s passed , but she sure as hell means it now , and it scares me that she ’ s not just saying that to make us guilty , she ’ s just putting it out there , just for your information . It dawns on me that maybe she ’ s only staying alive for us , she has all the classic signs of depression and she ’ s under so much stress from worrying too much , and there ’ s a drawing of a superwoman taped on the fridge from when I was in elementary school and I want to tear it off because mom ’ s not the supermom I imagined her to be ten years ago , she ’ s just an incredibly tired old person with an incredible sense of responsibility .
She tells my sister , “ you mustn ’ t ever get married because it denies you of all the good things life has to offer , and marrying early doesn ’ t mean you get off early . It follows you until the very end , you know ?”
And my sister looks at the bowl of melons in front of her and nods because she understands , and I look at a faraway corner because I understand too , and if there ’ s one thing I learned from mom , it ’ s that marriage is a death sentence .
*****
I freak out silently when my friends look at me with an adoring smile and say they want a daughter like me , because it will kill them , they ’ ll realize that it ’ s not worth it , it will make them depressed and disillusioned and a shell of the people they were , because parenting will do that to you .
I know people look at me and think I ’ m a mama ’ s girl or too devoted to my parents , or that my mom ’ s a control freak or dotingly overprotective , and it may be a combination of them all or they may have missed the point entirely , but what I do know is : when they think of mom they think of her as my mom , not by her name , and that little possessive is universal in every language possible , and that ’ s got to be the saddest thing ever because mothers automatically forfeit the right to their names after marriage , and by default their identities too .
Anyway , they don ’ t know my history so they don ’ t get to put labels on my family . I don ’ t ever talk about it to my friends because some of the things I feel are bound to bleed out in my words , in my face , and I don ’ t want to be that broken girl with the dysfunctional family . I don ’ t want my friends to look at me differently ; every family ’ s a little bit messed up anyway .
*****
The whole extended family ’ s having dinner at an Italian restaurant and my sister is wondering how I came to reject religion when my family members are all Buddhists , and I don ’ t say , “ I ’’ m an atheist because I believe in mothers who sacrifice themselves for the good of their children , sisters who care for their siblings when they ’ re halfway across the world , fathers who quietly break their backs trying to make a living . And all the good in the world was built up from ashes by hard-working decent people , it ’ s an insult to the potential and pure good in mankind to say this world was a supernatural being ’ s work .
29
All the while I ’ m thinking it ’ s mom ’ s birthday tomorrow and I don ’ t even know what to get her : a picture , a record , new clothes , a grade report , but what she really needs is a moment ’ s respite from everything and I can ’ t wind back time and undo my very existence . I would give everything to do it but I can ’ t , and it kills me because the world without me seems an infinitely better place for mom . What she has to understand about me is that if I could do it , I would gladly do it in a heartbeat .