Brittany and gorgeous Millie
Every time I ate I threw up, triggering all this talk and thought and emotion around food. My whole day would be people either asking me if I was OK, what I wanted to eat, if I’d been eating enough, seeing if I’d been eating and in my mind I was constantly having to ask myself if I could eat that, if I could stomach that, I’m going to throw that up in five minutes anyway.
When you have suffered from eating disorders for much of your life, this kind of focus on food is like a living nightmare. The result was depression. Bad depression, because my sickness triggered all these memories of the “other kind” of sick person I used to be.
I needed the sickness to end. I couldn’t even think past that point. And a lot of the time I was so scared of losing my baby because I was so sick.
But my OB continued to remind me, “No, she’s fine, she’s healthy. You’re the sick one.”
Hell. It was hell. I was in and out of hospital for dehydration about fifteen times. I was given medication, but it made absolutely no difference. I was sick, horribly, chronically sick. I wanted it over.