Ayoka : Who knew what you were going through during this period?
Denise : No one. I didn't want to tell anyone. The people that played a big part of
my depression, I didn't want them to look a certain way. I didn't want my church
family to appear to be anyway except righteous. And my family moved to this
town, I didn't want my church family to look bad.
Besides, I really didn't think that anyone could help anyway. There was no one to
tell, except maybe my mother and I wasn’t going to tell her.
I’m sure that with my behavior, that people realized that I was going through
something, but they didn't really care to look further into it.
Ayoka : Have you found yourself in that place again?
Denise : Not anymore, not the thought process, not the emotions, but I think about
it. My reactions to people are from that place. I show love, I give, but at the same
time, I don't expect anyone to do anything for me. I don't trust that people will love
me back or do for me as I do for them.
Ayoka: What would get you to the point where you could trust that someone
would love you back?
Denise : It isn't as strong a wall as it used to be. As I've gotten older, I let things go
so that it isn't a point anymore. But to get past that, God intervenes and shows me
new ways to think about things. I don't hold grudges, but then, the core of the past
lies within me and my thought process is that people aren't who they say they are.
I don't get into deep friendships or relationships. But God has been dealing with
me,He tells me that there are people out there who are real.
Ayoka: If you had someone that you could trust with it, how would you tell them
to recognize that you were going back to that place of depression?