Months To Years Summer 2018 MTY_Summer2018_v7 - Page 50

bare-chested in the summer sun of the yard, a bowl of fruit I wasn’t experiencing grief as it is portrayed in movies in his lap. The same old wicker chair was still there. My with background music tugging at our heartstrings.  As heart folded and took a few moments and deep breaths much as people continue to say, “There’s no right way to to expand again. With my head full of tears, eyes red and grieve,” somehow this new understanding of how different swollen, I pulled out rarely-worn sunglasses. For the first personalities mourn in different ways was more helpful time, I understood why people love dark glasses – beyond than anything I’d been told thus far.  While there’s no the looking-cool-factor.  With my eyes hidden, I felt less right or wrong, there is a unique way for each of us. We exposed, more privately held within my own psychic need to discover our own navigational maps to traverse space.  In the coming days, I reached for this surprising this strange and unwanted new world in which we find psychological protection and felt uncomfortably naked ourselves.                                                  without it.  “You advise staying fully aware of and inside this grief, In our next session, another concern surfaced. having the courage to sit with pain,” I said. “But this wars with my competently coping self. I’m apparently very good “I haven’t experienced the giant sea swells of grief at coping.” described by some.  I actually wish for them,” I said.   In these first months, I explained, it often felt like there “Why?” she asked. was a civil war going on between carrying on and falling apart.  I knew I didn’t have to choose one or the other – “Why am I not more devastated?” I countered. “Was I less cope or collapse, but more often, I instinctively coped. in love than I think? Why doesn’t grief knock me down   instead of sneaking up on me in surprise moments, only to sink back to wherever it is that grief hides in people like me, people who cope competently and without drama?”   “Where does one go to get permission to fall apart?” I asked. “I suppose it’s easier to present a strong front than to deal with the sympathy that threatens to undo me. I don’t want to dissolve in a pool of tears when meeting a “Introverted people,” she said, “which you obviously are, friend over the cucumbers at Whole Foods.” don’t tend to