Months To Years Spring 2018 Months To Years Spring 2018 - Page 51

fine,” before this, it simply hadn’t been true for months. Her felt comfortable leaving, as we all sensed her death was whole demeanor improved as she found relief, and so we, close. In the habit of our large clan, my siblings were joking too, were relieved. and their spouses were laughing along, just carrying on Then as the days progressed, my mother’s pain relief needs progressively would not fit the dosage schedule, especially in those dark nights. She was no longer com- municative, and there had been regular incidents where it appeared she was close to death, but her heart would then rally. We were on a slow roller coaster that struggled through the lowering valleys. At this point, I was referring constantly to a booklet on the signs of imminent death, and more symptoms seemed to be matching up. I was hoping for the end to it all as the rallies were tough going, and although I felt reconciled with this, it did concern me that I not seem calloused to others, as I asked the nurses about symptoms I was noticing. No, not wanting to hasten my mother’s leaving, but yes, wanting her to be free of the late-night turnings which caused deep semi-conscious groans, the grimaces of the half-hour before the next drug dose took effect, from other unexpressed discomforts I had to imagine were underlying everything in this end-stage. as usual, in that unusual realm, buoying each other up. It was too much, too noisy for me after a while, so I just sat by my mom and watched her. My hospice stay had made me overwrought, I knew, so I just disengaged rather than rudely shush everyone. Finally, by ten that evening, they all headed hom RBFRVWBv2&RB&ऒFR7W&RגFW"v26f'F&RB&VBא&( 2vBv2&VFsF( B&VV&W"vW v26֖rB&R6֖rFRvR7FvFVW"'&VFr6VvBBVVBfW"W"FvF6B6F6Gv6R&RfvVB'rgV6vvVW 7B'&VFVgBW"&GvFVBfWrVG2@6r6Rv26WFVǒ7F76VBW"6VVB6BfVBW"F6BvF'RWfVFVv6RFF( @ƖRFBv&BV'2b&6rGfVGW&W26G&V6PFF( BvBF6FBfv&B2vRfWrfbF'G0Vv'WBrBv2FRvF&RW&vV7&rf"FRW'6RvVFR66RvW"FBRFRG'VrW6VBFf6FR&VBbגFW.( 2V'Bv2FR7BFrFPFFRW"'&VFrv2676&ǒ&FFrW"V'BW'6RF&VB2BfFVB6vǒFG2f7FW70&WBG2GW&7G&VwF2B'Ff6ǒW6rW"FB7BFbVRvF6VBW"Ɨ7FVBFVB&6g&FR'&vRF67W76VBBB&VrV6W76'vVBFRvrV6RbFB7G&rV'BWrf'7@vW"26Rv2vW"gVǒ666W27FFRBvW7BBFVגfvv2fW"frGFV@FBWfVr6VBFBBB&RF֖7FW&VBBFRG2W'6RגFW"v2BRFRVBBW'6RgFW"ג67FV6RFB6ǒגFW"&VvGFW"r&BFW&Rv2vW&RV6R( B&FW"fPFf6&ǒfFRg&FV&VVF22vBBVBƖSvVW&ǒ6R&V6R&PG&vF&VvFRf6RW"G2&VVBVVvN( @WfV&R6FV"vVW722VBFV( F62W&RfB2w&FW"Bg&VV6RFV6W"Ɨfr0FWvW&RFWF&VVBvF&V667BFBw&WrW7'V6W2WrW66Rv2&&B&6VBFWG&BW"&2FR6RvFW"fVWBBW2v6FR֖6v6R2ƗfVB6FW26VFsV7@76RW'6W2GWFgVǒF&VBW"'&VFr&V6R6r&VB6FV6g&666Wr&7&V6vǒ'&VwV"BFVv6RV&VBF&Rf'BVR&&"FWFW"BV6涒6R'FV@6VB6VWFW&Rv2&R&fVB7FW72&WB&6V.( 2FVw&VRw&Frg&6V&VfW'6GW"f"FRvRGvVfRF2bג7FvF6VBW"B7FW.( 2FVw&VRw&Frg&V7FW&֖6vƖRFV6RvFf'7B&&Vf֖Ɩ"BG'rFVfW'6GW&RBW"Fr66WB&R&VFr762ЦV&vBV6v6R6v"7F'FR6VBVF6RFVB6VƗ7FVrF6G2&VB7F&W0FR7BF6FVvBbW2vW&RvFW&VBBvfVFRW"6&B6Rv267FFBPVB6R2&V6VFǒf6VBfV&6VB&6V@W"w&VBw&FFW.( 2V֖w&Fg&7vVFV0fVGW&VBW"vV'6FSW&VfB6УS