Why am I a “ monster ” for NOT wanting kids ?
ONE WOMAN ’ S JOURNEY TO REALIZING THAT HAVING CHILDREN DOES NOT DEFINE US .
It only took one word to break me . One word to make me feel less of a woman , and even less of a person . That word was “ infertile .” When I first found out I was infertile , I became devastated . My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest and thrown to the wolves . I instantly thought that I was useless and lost my identity . The moment I realized I couldn ’ t have children and wasn ’ t going to be a mother , I thought that my one shot at happiness was gone .
I became angry at the world . For an entire year , I wouldn ’ t be able to talk about it . I thought I was a monster . What else could explain it ? Most women bear children because it ’ s their gift to the world . And here I was , with a uterus that delivered pain instead of a bundle of joy .
Did being infertile mean I wasn ’ t a woman anymore ? Did that mean there was something wrong with me ? Was I broken ? Did I do something wrong ? What was I going to do with my life , now that no one was going to call me “ Mommy ”? Who could I give my love to ? What was my purpose if not to have children ? All of these thoughts ran through my head and almost destroyed me .
But they didn ’ t .
The second year that followed became a little easier . I started doing more research on the topic of infertility . I wanted answers . I wasn ’ t going to take it sitting down and crying .
What I found out was that I wasn ’ t alone . In the U . S ., according to the National Center for Health Statistics , there are
6.7 million women between the ages of 15 and 44 who are infertile , just like I am . And in Canada , almost 16 per cent of women in the same age bracket are infertile too . It turned out that I wasn ’ t the first and wouldn ’ t be the last woman to be infertile .
But if it ’ s so common , why do the people that find out about my infertility look at me with the utmost heartbreak in their eyes ?
After another year had passed , I was well on my way of getting over the pain that came with the news of being infertile . I realized it was okay . I was going to be okay , and being infertile didn ’ t make me any less of who I was . I could even say the word without breaking down into a ball of tears . Unfortunately , a lot of the people around me still seemed to think it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me . They looked at me differently when I answered their questions . There was a sense of sorrow and sadness when I told them I couldn ’ t have children . They seemed to mourn for me as if I was broken . It seemed that not having children meant that the rest of my life was going to be sad and lonely . This was despite the fact that only 30 per cent of couples didn ’ t experience a decrease in happiness after the birth of their children , according to German researchers Rachel Margolis and Mikko Myrskyla . So if babies weren ’ t the secret to happiness , what was ? And why was everyone so sad about me being able to have them ? It started to make me really think about what happiness is and how I was going to find it for myself .
Now , here I am in year four and I ’ m angry once again . I have come to see that my fertility is a blessing in disguise .
I don ’ t want children .
I am excited about the freedom to do what I want . I won ’ t have to worry about babysitters and a college fund . I can travel and live my life however I want to . I can move to Jamaica and live on the beach or fly to Antarctica and watch the penguins .
But now that I ’ ve come to the conclusion that I don ’ t want children , the people around no longer feel pity for me . Instead , they look at me as a selfish and heartless monster . How dare I not want the enormous responsibility of raising another human being ?
Now , instead of hearing things like , “ I ’ m sorry ,” or “ You can always adopt ,” or “ Maybe you can get a surrogate ?” I hear things like , “ That ’ s a bad idea , you will change your mind ,” or “ You won ’ t know what real love is ,” or even , “ So , you hate people .” Do they think that I will never know what true love feels like ? Well , I ’ m not the only one .
According to the Canadian census in 2011 , 44.5 per cent of couples didn ’ t have children . There are people all around the world who have made the decision to not have children , either because of health reasons or just by choice . Why are children necessary for everyone ? Why does not wanting children automatically mean we hate them ? Our society is bent on seeing the world one-way , and if we alter or change from that view , we are wrong .
Continued on Page 113 - No Kids
WRITTEN BY AMY BRIDGES PHOTOGRAPHY BY JORDY CLARKE
Missy Ink | Issue 20 46