Active listening involves being
genuinely engaged with the other
person and what he is saying. You
listen to the tone and demonstrate
positive body language, such as an
open, interested facial expression,
leaning in, nodding, making
appropriate eye contact, and
observing the body language of the
person you are speaking to, which,
according to research, accounts for
about 55% of communication.
Active listening over the phone
is conveyed through making
listening noises to let the other
person know that you are still there
and following the conversation.
Appropriate smiling and nodding
on the phone also conveys warmth
and interest.
In responding to what you have
heard, avoid making the following
mistakes shared by Covey, which
can negate all the listening you
have done:
Evaluating - judging what
the other person has said from
the standpoint of your own
values, which alienates the other
person and prevents deeper
communication. Remember – you
are stepping into the other person’s
shoes.
it may mean one thing in your
frame of reference, it may mean
something entirely different for the
other person.
The following conversation
techniques shared by Covey will
help you demonstrate empathic
listening skills and build greater
rapport with the person you are
speaking to:Mirroring: This involves reflecting
what the person has said without
mimicking by conveying emotional
understanding through repeating
the words said. As an example, the
other person may say, “… and then
they shot him,” to which you may
reply, “They shot him?”
Rephrasing the content: This
involves summarizing what has
been shared in your own words,
which shows not only that you
were listening, but that you truly
understand what the other person
has said – so well that you can
rephrase it using words such as, “So
what you’re saying is …” or “What
I’m hearing is …”
Reflecting feelings helps you focus
on the emotions behind what has
been said and can include phrases
such as “I can see that it saddened
you …” or “I can see that you loved
him …” or “you must have been
Probing - asking for more
frustrated.” By accurately reflecting
information than the other person
is ready to share. This demonstrates the person’s feelings to him, he
feels truly understood, which
disrespect, and your personal
interest in satisfying your curiosity, creates deeper intimacy between
rather than truly understanding the you and him.
other person.
The more naturally and genuinely
you use these techniques, the more
Advising also demonstrates lack
open people will become to you.
of respect by implying that the
Your listening can be further
other person sharing is incapable
enhanced through asking good
of making their own decisions.
Ask for permission before offering questions to help you better
understand the other person and
advice, or let the person ask what
where they are coming from.
you think they should do. Even if
they do ask, respond briefly and
Open questions, such as those
leave it up to them to decide what
beginning with who, what, why,
to do!
when and how, encourage dialogue
and narrative answers, while closed
Interpreting involves defining
questions require ‘Yes’, ‘No’ and one
what is shared based on your own
word answers.
knowledge and experience. While
Both are used in conversation to
get the other person to open up
more, clarify details and thus gain
deeper understanding of the person
and what they are sharing.
In addition to not giving advice,
avoid negating what the person
is saying, or rushing to ‘fix’ the
person’s situation. Often all a
person needs is a listening ear as
summarized in the extract below
from the anonymous poem, Could
you Just Listen?
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do - just hear me.
Developing empathic listening is
possible, but takes time. Start really
listening to the people around you
with no agenda, other than to hear
their heart and better understand
them, and your relationships will
deepen and your levels of influence
soar as trust grows.
As they feel understood, they will
be open to listening to you and you
can then make yourself understood,
but that, ladies and gentlemen, is a
topic for another day!
Caroline Mwazi is Chief Change
Catalyst at Huru Consult Limited,
a Nairobi-based management
and training consulting company
focusing on Strategic Management,
Organizational Development,
Financial Management, Leadership
& Personal Development. You can
reach her on mail at: CMw azi@
huruconsult.com or Twitter @cmwazi.