LST Zine 1 | Page 14

8

Unfortunately, whether I liked it or whether I didn’t, I had discovered my personal currency. I knew to regurgitate that a man “had to have a j-o-b if he wanted to be with me” and that I was to “want a man, not need a man”, but my actions consistently had me using my currency to advance.

When I was 19 years old I ended up reaching out to a man of about 30 years of age, that I’d met on some adventure I shouldn’t have been on. He was a tall, west-coast man, his body covered in piercings and tattoos and his clothes covered in holes. He hadn’t held down a job in probably a decade at that point, as he’d injured his leg during a tragic LSD trip, as one does, and lost all feeling from thigh to toe due to compartment syndrome. His leg was covered in scars and what looked like cracks, and he loved scaring people by jabbing things into his leg and pretending to be in pain before laughing at his concerned audience. In other words, this guy was a total catch.

I remember one of my mother’s most immediate concerns being that this man did not seem like he wanted to marry me. She was concerned that he seemed to be very attracted, but the fact that this attraction was carnal and temporary was a concern for her and she felt it should be a concern for me as well. For this reason in part, I had this jobless, injured man take me to a pawn shop, and buy me a promise ring. I’ve always said that I didn’t want to be married, that I wanted to be a judge and travel the world. But it seemed as though, when I looked in my wallet to find the ticket to owning my own life, I could only find the same nagging inclinations to do what I knew. The same currencies.

Unfortunately, whether I liked it or whether I didn’t, I had discovered my personal currency.

The truth is, where my family was struggling with my sexuality my 30 year old savior embraced it. I saw a home where I stood out, living with people who loved but did not like me. I was offered a home where I could smoke cigarettes and wake up whenever I wanted, having my body explored by an experienced man who’d let me live in his paradise in exchange for being pretty in public, standing next to him. I gave him monogamy and I gave him beauty, in exchange for his resources.