REFLECTIONS
Reflections ON GENTEEL BEHAVIOR
Teresita Bacani-Oropilla , MD
A
distinguished looking elderly gentleman sat quietly thinking in the waiting room of a doctor ’ s office . He once was a physician specialist himself . He received referrals from his colleagues and taught at medical school . How times have changed since then . His reverie was interrupted by a staff member calling loudly , “ John ? John Doe ?!” Suddenly alert , he stood up and followed the caller to the corridor leading to his doctor ’ s office .
Three kids in their tweens knocked and entered the home of their friend , obviously a pre-set date to study or play . One headed for the kitchen refrigerator and helped himself to a Coke . When the mother of the house came down , she was not greeted with “ Excuse me , ma ’ am , I was helping myself to your coke ,” but by a quick “ Hi !” before looking for his friends in the den .
Johnny-come-lately ( the past 50 years ) immigrants from other countries , who have integrated and become citizens , raised their children here and are living the good life as contributing members of society . They invariably invite family and friends from their original homes for important anniversaries , weddings and reunions . Their visitors invariably comment or are confused by the informality and seeming lack of respect their younger kin have acquired . In their native countries , the Philippines as an example , people are still addressed by their titles : Mr ., Sir , Mrs ., Doc , Atty . and Engr . Older blood relatives are addressed by their proper designation , the equivalents of grandpa , grandma , uncle , aunt . Friends of parents with no particular title are likewise respectfully called generic Auntie and Uncle , leading a child of five to ask , “ Why do I have so many uncles and aunts ?”
Older siblings have designated titles as well . Manong , Kuya , for
older brother . Manang , Ate , for older sister . This creates a hierarchy of respect for even much younger elders but also expectations of care and protection for younger siblings . Some think of these as superfluous , but these do serve a purpose . Although less emphasized and followed nowadays , this hierarchy and obligation can extend to older siblings helping to send younger ones to school when they , themselves , are done .
One not familiar with these customs would surmise that it is unfair to the younger ones , that it degrades the rights of the child , the younger person , the subordinate , to have to address elders and superiors with such titles of respect . On the other hand , these honored ones had and still have the obligation to nurture and raise these younger ones , to set examples , until the former come into their own .
This brings us back to the old man who obediently did what he was told . Wouldn ’ t it have been a less somber experience for him if , despite his now debilitated state , a little acknowledgment of his former worth was made ? What if he was called , “ Dr . John Doe , are you here ? This way please ?” These are only words but titles connote the respect with which a person is esteemed . ( At the local Veteran ’ s Hospital , patients appreciate being called Mr ., instead of first names .)
Regarding children , would it be more rewarding if young guests were more courteous and taught the difference between dealing with equals versus the older generation ? Maybe we could point out that some smart-aleck replies by children to adults are not all that funny and should not be imitated . Or , do we think courtesy is passé , permit or tolerate the opposite , and that being nice does not matter anymore ? Is this a new norm ?
They say , “ It takes a village to raise a child .” It also takes a village to set the rules and follow them .
Dr . Bacani-Oropilla is a retired psychiatrist .
JUNE 2018 17