REFLECTIONS
Reflections IN SEARCH OF “ ME ”
Teresita Bacani-Oropilla , MD
We , two friends , picked her up at a plush assisted living facility . She was not quite ready . She knew it was Thursday , but she was not sure it was the day we were to go to lunch . A clock on the wall , which erstwhile belonged to her husband and which she lived by , did have the time and the day of the week , but no date . Hurriedly dressing in her studio quarters and walking slowly with a stoop , she elicited cautionary reminders from the other residents to bring her walker as we made our way through the hallway to the car . She declined . She called them patients . Having found nothing much in common with them , she had not bonded with them so far .
Before emerging into the bright sunshine , she reflected , “ I cannot find me .” Asked what that meant , this was her answer : “ I used to be a doctor who enjoyed working with emergencies and made many decisions . Now , I don ’ t . Everyone tells me what to do .” Although very grateful that her children have taken extremely good care of her , she is bewildered by the sudden changes in her circumstances .
Her husband recently died , leaving a large business . Not long after , their eldest son was suddenly found to have a brain tumor . None of the technology of modern medicine could help him , and he died . Bereft , she wallowed in grief in her home filled with memorabilia of the past , until she slipped on a rug . Hospitalization , rehabilitation and assisted living came in succession .
With her husband , she had raised professional children . She was independent when he traveled for business overseas . She had friends ,
swam , exercised , had hobbies , took organ lessons , maintained a garden and a pool , enjoyed traveling and made many decisions . Pointing to herself , she said “ This is not me . I cannot find me here anymore .” I felt this was a profound observation indeed . No longer allowed to drive , she spends her days secluded in her room . Her joys are centered around her grandchildren and relatives ’ visits , but although they made maximum efforts to be with her , all were still active in their professions , always busy , or lived out of town . Friends , likewise , had their own schedules .
Our lunch was a revelation . She remembered that the restaurant was one of their favorite places to eat , and what her husband always ordered , steak . Subsequent conversation lead to reminiscences about a trip to China , the Great Wall , the thousand terra cotta soldiers and the people they traveled with . She laughed and expressed a wish to meet with our former co-workers as we reminisced about our times together . She tried to play the electronic organ but did not have the sequential coordination to do so . With great insight , she said , “ It will take some time . I have to start all over . The world is still out here !”
We are thus reminded of one of the fundamental tasks of physicians : to understand the circumstances that patients have to overcome , and to give them hope . It ’ s our duty not only to help them physically , but help them also mentally get to the point where they can find themselves again , and revel in the fact that the world is still waiting for them .
Dr . Oropilla is a retired psychiatrist .
10 LOUISVILLE MEDICINE