Lost in Orange | Page 55

reaching  for  embers     when  i  was  in  6th  grade  my  ma  took   me  to  church,  prayed  the  childhood   outta  me  while  my  preacher  told  us   that  he  catches  letters  from  heaven   tellin’  him  we’re  all  sinners,  that   we’re  all  disappointing  our  father     he  tells  us  that  when  jesus  returns,   when  the  clouds  are  embers  hovering   the  blue,  it’ll  be  beautiful;  that   destruction  is  balance  between  rebirth     it  scared  me,  made  me  hold   tight  for  my  mother,  but  i  was     in  6th  grade  and  i  wasn’t  supposed   to  have  a  mother,  only  an  overseer   to  make  sure  the  man  in  me   don’t  cry  because  men  don’t  cry     so  i  let  her  go,  let  her  distance   herself  while  i  became  codependent     on  caffeine  and  staying  awake  at  night     i  fell  in  love,  one  too  many  times  with   the  wrong  kind  of  people,  became  addicted   to  warmth  and  dingy  water  because  i   couldn’t  be  alone  when  the  end  hit,   just  like  the  preacher  said,  i  couldn’t     be  alone  when  i  finally  gave  out     but  the  names  on  my  chest     are  weeds,  late  night  fuck     55