LMSS SPHINCTER vol.80 iss.2 Winter Issue - Page 24

First Class 24 Tour tour tour! How do you like it? How do you like it? Trains We soon found out we were on our way to the great lights of NEWCASTLE! The home of three trebles for a fiver and a club famous for its cage We met our hosts and got ready for the night out. First stop, a Chinese buffet to line the stomachs. Suitably stuffed and with an after taste of MSG, we headed to The Basement and danced to Girls Aloud. The Basement was like The Raz only cheaper and you didn’t need to wear wellies. The Geordie accents made it less appealing too. We then ran through the rain to Bierkeller where half of us still have bruises from falling off the tables. The survivors then landed in Soho where we were blinded by strobe lights and splashes of jager bombs. The Newcastle lot led the group dressed as La La and Dipsy, safe to say it was a very colourful night indeed . “My name is Flo, and I’m a Tour-aholic” Ever agonised over whether to go big or go home when you’re going home? Noah’s crew descend upon geordie land weren’t as intimidating. After about an hour of play, the game descended into who could hit the can off the cross bar of the goal. Time to go to the pub. At the pub it was a pint and a burger for £6 and the rugby was on. All the ingredients for a happy Capstick. Lots of us had a quick nap and woke up to the sight of Paddy projectile vomiting over the captain. Many are still cringing over PaddyGate, don’t think we’ll be going back there in a while. We headed back to our hosts’ houses to soothe the hangovers and to prepare for the night ahead. It was NOAH’S ARC themed and the group were put into pairs. Some pairs still make me chuckle; Ollie Spencer as a giraffe (see right), Fresher Luke as a dog and Capstick as a shark. As the night progressed, there was reported sights of interbreeding, Noah must be turning in his grave. We met up in The British Legion (I know, a bit weird seeing as it was Remembrance weekend) and played some games. They were great fun and got very competitive. Dressed as a cow I stood up to the mark, ran to the table to drink a pint and turned to run back only to find the floor was slippery and I fell udder first to the wailing laughter of last year’s club captain Dr Matt Riley. Ah well, no use crying over spilt milk. “The Basement was like The Raz only cheaper and you didn’t need to wear wellies.” Next morning, as tour victim had his breakfast (a jenny or two), we arrived at the pitch. The Newcastle team were doing drills and looked aggressive. We arrived with our captain dressed as a hippo so safe to say we 4th year medical student Flo Wilson On Friday we met at the Brooky to meet and greet the tour virgins. They were decorated with a V on the forehead and a few pints. The boys were dressed as Tinky Winky and the girls as Po from Aled’s favourite TV programme. Best tour name – Best tour mission – John McHardy 2nd year medical student Yes it is that time of year again. A group of questionable medical students descend on a mystery location and basically get weird with each other. With a jenny made from a voluptuous mannequin and 4L Ashbeck bottles of piss, what’s not to like? I think the less you know about tour the better but here’s a little run down for all you curious souls. We soon set off and the ashbecks started to fill staggeringly quickly. The club committee then proceeded to call each person up one at a time to give them their tour name, tour mission and tour song. For two lucky tourists, their names were VICTIM and were given one rule: to obey. 25 In all honesty the rest of the night was a bit of a blur but the stories I was told Sphincter magazine | volume 80 issue 2 | Winter 2016 edition in the morning don’t leave much to the imagination. Multiple tourists got into a bath and enjoyed a special tour bath time. A banana was used as an enema and then eaten by a hungry polar bear. A touring doctor sat on the street and was mistaken for a homeless person by a Salvation Army volunteer who then took him to get some sheltered accommodation. Two tourists had one too many and missed the bus. They enjoyed a few more hours in Newcastle before finding a lift home. I think everyone had a great time and I definitely need a year to recover. Only 360 days till TOUR 2017, hold on to your hats. ‘Thank you very much for this lovely game of tour. I’m out’ When I first came to Liverpool, didn’t but I needed to get home dinner or even just a sandwich that still doesn’t change the fact far too many years ago, I was all the same). can really soften the realisation that I usually only have to glance genuinely surprised at how that I am not going to see any of at the first class prices before many people lived close enough In a similar vein I have booked my mums home realising my Made in that they didn’t need to catch a ahead for my Christmas travel cooking before “free drinks and Chelsea pretentions train if they ever wanted to go this year. This became common tomorrow. of grandeur have as many mini home. If you are one of these knowledge during a cringe been dashed once people then well done, lucky CBL ice breaker which evolved If like me you brownies as you again. you. You have managed to avoid into discussion about how have modest can stuff in your the time, expense everyone was expectations in I also have to be bag” “Trawling the and organisational getting home life the promise of aware of when stresses of the British . The reaction free drinks and as deciding whether websites for railway services. it generated many mini brownies as you can or not to part with my sweet, tickets will be a Congratulations. genuinely stuff into your bag can transform sweet monies for a first class sadly familiar surprised me. a tragic day into a brilliant one. ticket because different train If, like me, you are not Most either And I’m not just talking about lines offer different services. experience” one of these people laughed or on the train. The best place to The Virgin section of my journey then trawling the National Rail looked at me piteously as if make your money back via food down to London is usually great and Virgin websites for tickets looking at a tourist reading a is in the first class lounge before with all the snacks, coffees will have become a sadly familiar map upside-down. It became and after you travel. There you and (weekdays only) booze I experience to you by now. clear that everyone thought can gorge yourself on as many could want. However the first Getting home from Liverpool that going first class was a snacks, tiny soft drinks and hot class service on South West (and for this year Blackpool) waste of money and that I had beverages as you can consume, trains varies very little from its takes me between four and a been duped. Only one person and it’s all free! standard counterpart. half to five hours each time. So actually asked why I had done it Finally it’s important to I have had ma ny an opportunity and to them and you I give this Wow! That sounds too good to remember that the full first to sit (or stand) in standard class response; be true (I hear class service doesn’t run on the staring into the first class cabin you mutter with weekend , so if at seat service is “First Class thinking, “Hmmm it sure looks To get home I a 3 out of 10 for your motivation for going first Advance was nice in there, wonder what it’s invariably end up enthusiasm). class then I suggest you push like”. passing by London almost exactly the What’s the catch? your travel to a weekday if you during the rush can. same price” Around exam time last year, hour. This means Well the obvious in a desperate attempt to do finding a seat on disadvantage of So when would I go first class? anything other than revise, I the final leg of my journey can going first class is the price. Well if my journey is long casually began flicking through be a challenge, a challenge that First class tickets can be stupidly (greater than two hours), on a the National Rail website to see has left me standing for over more expensive than their good train line, when my timings if booking the train home now an hour more than once. Going standard class equivalents and are flexible and I am able to could save me a few pennies. I first class means I at least know most people, rightly so, do not book early to get the cheapest was pleasantly surprised to see I am going to have somewhere see the point in paying all that possible seat. However this is that a First Class Advance was to sit. The fact this seat is larger, money for, essentially, the same the vast minority of the time almost exactly the same price comes with a plug socket for service. And after all no matter so in general first class rail will as its standard equivalent. So I charging my phone and has free how much you pay the time have to remain a sacred refuge thought why not, I’ll buy it and wifi is all good too. it will take to get from point to those with more money than give myself something to look A to point B will be the same. sense. forward to that will motivate me Travelling for a long time often Booking early, railcards and to work really hard for the rest means I am on the move during advanced single tickets are all of the term (unsurprisingly it meal times. Receiving a free hot ways of reducing the price but Sphincter magazine | volume 80 issue 2 | Winter 2016 edition