First Class
24
Tour tour tour!
How do you like it?
How do you like it?
Trains
We soon found out we were on our way to
the great lights of NEWCASTLE! The home of
three trebles for a fiver and a club famous for
its cage
We met our hosts and got ready for the night
out. First stop, a Chinese buffet to line the
stomachs. Suitably stuffed and with an after
taste of MSG, we headed to The Basement
and danced to Girls Aloud. The Basement was
like The Raz only cheaper
and you didn’t need to
wear wellies. The Geordie
accents made it less
appealing too. We then
ran through the rain to
Bierkeller where half of
us still have bruises from
falling off the tables.
The survivors then landed in Soho where we
were blinded by strobe lights and splashes of
jager bombs. The Newcastle lot led the group
dressed as La La and Dipsy, safe to say it was
a very colourful night indeed .
“My name is
Flo, and I’m a
Tour-aholic”
Ever agonised over whether to go big or go home when you’re going home?
Noah’s crew descend upon geordie land
weren’t as intimidating. After about an hour
of play, the game descended into who could
hit the can off the cross bar of the goal. Time
to go to the pub.
At the pub it was a pint and a burger for £6
and the rugby was on. All the ingredients for
a happy Capstick. Lots of us had a quick nap
and woke up to the sight of Paddy projectile
vomiting over the captain. Many are still
cringing over PaddyGate, don’t think we’ll be
going back there in a while.
We headed back to our hosts’ houses to
soothe the hangovers and to prepare for the
night ahead. It was NOAH’S ARC themed
and the group were put into pairs. Some
pairs still make me chuckle; Ollie Spencer as
a giraffe (see right), Fresher Luke as a dog
and Capstick as a shark.
As the night progressed,
there was reported sights
of interbreeding, Noah
must be turning in his
grave. We met up in The
British Legion (I know, a
bit weird seeing as it was
Remembrance weekend)
and played some games. They were great fun
and got very competitive. Dressed as a cow I
stood up to the mark, ran to the table to drink
a pint and turned to run back only to find the
floor was slippery and I fell udder first to the
wailing laughter of last year’s club captain Dr
Matt Riley. Ah well, no use crying over spilt
milk.
“The Basement was
like The Raz only
cheaper and you didn’t
need to wear wellies.”
Next morning, as tour victim had his
breakfast (a jenny or two), we arrived at the
pitch. The Newcastle team were doing drills
and looked aggressive. We arrived with our
captain dressed as a hippo so safe to say we
4th year medical student
Flo Wilson
On Friday we met at the Brooky to meet and
greet the tour virgins. They were decorated
with a V on the forehead and a few pints.
The boys were dressed as Tinky Winky and
the girls as Po from Aled’s favourite TV
programme.
Best tour name –
Best tour mission –
John McHardy
2nd year medical student
Yes it is that time of year again. A group of
questionable medical students descend on
a mystery location and basically get weird
with each other. With a jenny made from
a voluptuous mannequin and 4L Ashbeck
bottles of piss, what’s not to like? I think the
less you know about tour the better but here’s
a little run down for all you curious souls.
We soon set off and the ashbecks started to
fill staggeringly quickly. The club committee
then proceeded to call each person up one
at a time to give them their tour name, tour
mission and tour song. For two lucky tourists,
their names were VICTIM and were given one
rule: to obey.
25
In all honesty the rest of the night was
a bit of a blur but the stories I was told
Sphincter magazine | volume 80 issue 2 | Winter 2016 edition
in the morning don’t leave much to the
imagination. Multiple tourists got into a
bath and enjoyed a special tour bath time.
A banana was used as an enema and then
eaten by a hungry polar bear. A touring
doctor sat on the street and was mistaken
for a homeless person by a Salvation Army
volunteer who then took him to get some
sheltered accommodation. Two tourists
had one too many and missed the bus. They
enjoyed a few more hours in Newcastle before
finding a lift home.
I think everyone had a great time and I
definitely need a year to recover. Only 360
days till TOUR 2017, hold on to your hats.
‘Thank you very much for this lovely game of
tour. I’m out’
When I first came to Liverpool,
didn’t but I needed to get home
dinner or even just a sandwich
that still doesn’t change the fact
far too many years ago, I was
all the same).
can really soften the realisation
that I usually only have to glance
genuinely surprised at how
that I am not going to see any of at the first class prices before
many people lived close enough In a similar vein I have booked
my mums home
realising my Made in
that they didn’t need to catch a
ahead for my Christmas travel
cooking before
“free drinks and Chelsea pretentions
train if they ever wanted to go
this year. This became common
tomorrow.
of grandeur have
as many mini
home. If you are one of these
knowledge during a cringe
been dashed once
people then well done, lucky
CBL ice breaker which evolved
If like me you
brownies as you again.
you. You have managed to avoid into discussion about how
have modest
can stuff in your
the time, expense
everyone was
expectations in
I also have to be
bag”
“Trawling the
and organisational
getting home
life the promise of
aware of when
stresses of the British
. The reaction
free drinks and as
deciding whether
websites for
railway services.
it generated
many mini brownies as you can
or not to part with my sweet,
tickets will be a
Congratulations.
genuinely
stuff into your bag can transform sweet monies for a first class
sadly familiar
surprised me.
a tragic day into a brilliant one.
ticket because different train
If, like me, you are not
Most either
And I’m not just talking about
lines offer different services.
experience”
one of these people
laughed or
on the train. The best place to
The Virgin section of my journey
then trawling the National Rail
looked at me piteously as if
make your money back via food
down to London is usually great
and Virgin websites for tickets
looking at a tourist reading a
is in the first class lounge before with all the snacks, coffees
will have become a sadly familiar map upside-down. It became
and after you travel. There you
and (weekdays only) booze I
experience to you by now.
clear that everyone thought
can gorge yourself on as many
could want. However the first
Getting home from Liverpool
that going first class was a
snacks, tiny soft drinks and hot
class service on South West
(and for this year Blackpool)
waste of money and that I had
beverages as you can consume,
trains varies very little from its
takes me between four and a
been duped. Only one person
and it’s all free!
standard counterpart.
half to five hours each time. So
actually asked why I had done it
Finally it’s important to
I have had ma ny an opportunity
and to them and you I give this
Wow! That sounds too good to
remember that the full first
to sit (or stand) in standard class response;
be true (I hear
class service doesn’t run on the
staring into the first class cabin
you mutter with
weekend , so if at seat service is
“First Class
thinking, “Hmmm it sure looks
To get home I
a 3 out of 10 for
your motivation for going first
Advance was
nice in there, wonder what it’s
invariably end up
enthusiasm).
class then I suggest you push
like”.
passing by London
almost exactly the What’s the catch? your travel to a weekday if you
during the rush
can.
same price”
Around exam time last year,
hour. This means
Well the obvious
in a desperate attempt to do
finding a seat on
disadvantage of
So when would I go first class?
anything other than revise, I
the final leg of my journey can
going first class is the price.
Well if my journey is long
casually began flicking through
be a challenge, a challenge that
First class tickets can be stupidly (greater than two hours), on a
the National Rail website to see
has left me standing for over
more expensive than their
good train line, when my timings
if booking the train home now
an hour more than once. Going
standard class equivalents and
are flexible and I am able to
could save me a few pennies. I
first class means I at least know
most people, rightly so, do not
book early to get the cheapest
was pleasantly surprised to see
I am going to have somewhere
see the point in paying all that
possible seat. However this is
that a First Class Advance was
to sit. The fact this seat is larger, money for, essentially, the same the vast minority of the time
almost exactly the same price
comes with a plug socket for
service. And after all no matter
so in general first class rail will
as its standard equivalent. So I
charging my phone and has free
how much you pay the time
have to remain a sacred refuge
thought why not, I’ll buy it and
wifi is all good too.
it will take to get from point
to those with more money than
give myself something to look
A to point B will be the same.
sense.
forward to that will motivate me Travelling for a long time often
Booking early, railcards and
to work really hard for the rest
means I am on the move during
advanced single tickets are all
of the term (unsurprisingly it
meal times. Receiving a free hot
ways of reducing the price but
Sphincter magazine | volume 80 issue 2 | Winter 2016 edition