LeadingAge New York Adviser Winter Vol. 1 | Page 41

• • The holidays can bring opportunities to remember the person who has died in a way that is personally meaningful. Some families choose to participate in holiday events at a local hospice. Others may choose to share special family stories over a meal. Some may find that making a donation to a special charity or volunteering time to help others in need may be a comforting way to honor their loved one. Grief does not progress along a predictable timeline. Conventional wisdom holds that after the first year, one should be “over it.” In reality, even those who feel that they have worked through their grief can still feel an overwhelming sense of loss during this season. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss. It is natural to feel sadness. The need for support is often greater during holidays. Hospice and palliative care professionals have always recognized the need to provide emotional and spiritual support to those who are grieving, at any time of year. If your grief feels like too much to bear, call us. An experienced grief counselor can help. Tips to help a grieving friend get through the holidays If your friend, neighbor, family member or co-worker has recently experienced a loss, here are some things you can do to help them weather the “joyous” season: Acknowledge their loss. Let them know that you understand that this is a difficult time of year and that you recognize that the holidays will not be the same for them this year. Trust in their decisions. Let them tell you what they feel up to doing. Don’t force the bereaved to do anything because you think it will make them feel better. Use the deceased’s name. Often there’s a fear of saying the name of the person who’s died, as if somehow saying the name will cause more pain. However, phrases like, “So sorry for your loss,” and even using only pronouns like, “She was so wonderful,” and “He will be truly missed,” tend to negate the person’s existence in the first place. Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Listen sincerely and openly. Don’t attempt to change the subject if the conversation gets uncomfortable for you. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to know what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs. Offer practical help. Sometimes what the bereaved need most during this time of year is help getting things done. Maybe setting up the Christmas tree or baking the special family cookies are some things that your friend would like to do but doesn’t have the energy for. leadingageny.org 40