On the Coast – Families Issue 98 I February/March 2019 | Page 18

Mama Guilt
we ALL
do it!
by Nikki Smith
G
uilt – Some mamas say they never live a day without it.
We worry. Did we give enough of our time today? Did I
feed him well enough? She hardly slept today and yesterday,
is she cutting her day sleeps or was it because I met my
girlfriend for a coffee?
We feel overstretched by the demands
of a busy household, the juggle of work
and our kids. Spending time with friends
and your partner. There are days where
we might think to ourselves ‘is this it? Is
this part of some divine plan to have me
feeling like a nervous wreck!?’
Motherhood introduces us to so many
varied mind states, such extremes of
emotions that can feel so unfamiliar and at
times disturbing. We will swing from one to
the other. Revisiting old wounds, and hurts.
We also try to hide all of these feelings
due to undulating pressure on ourselves
and from our friends and family, society
as a whole. Because we are supposed to
feel ‘good’ about being in this place called
mamahood.
We are so quick to judge each other
too for feeling all of this and some. Then
those mama guilt feelings come up again
because we shouldn’t be feeling this way.
Most harshly though, we will judge
ourselves.
Anxiety can creep in ever so slowly,
along with feelings of despair and
loneliness, boredom and restlessness. All
of this along with feelings of more guilt
for feeling this way and feeling anything
but ‘blessed.’
As a parent there are so many ‘should
do’s,’ ‘I should be more patient’ I should be
more organised.’ Often this word tends
to activate the disobey button in us and
we do exactly what we ‘should not!’ For
example, drinking a glass of wine on a
Monday night when we have said to
ourselves ‘Ah I really shouldn’t!’
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KIDZ O N T H E C OA ST
When we are tired from all of the
‘should do’s’ that we ‘should’ be doing we
tend to take it out on our little ones, and we
will snap. Instead of thinking to yourself, ‘I
really ‘should’ have more patience’ perhaps
it would be a better alternative to look at
the ‘why’ for your reaction.
What’s coming up for you to allow
your never ending to do list to create
stress and disharmony, therefore taking
it out on your child/ren because you lack
in energy?? Is this an opportunity for you
to take that 10 minutes out for yourself
and STOP the mama guilt and the ‘I
should be doing this list?’
Because in the end, who is that really
benefitting? Yes, your laundry’s done,
your dishes are clean, your house is tidy,
dinners cooked, and the cars been washed,
but could at least one of those ‘should do’s’
be completed later or even tomorrow?
Could you have taken that opportunity
for YOU and then felt better for doing that
therefore more able to connect with your
little people rather than get short with them?
“Parents aren’t perfect people.  They’re
people being perfected.” LR Knost.
Within the ‘Tuning into your Toddler’
workshop I facilitate here on the Central
Coast, we discuss expectations, we as
parents need to start dropping the
expectations we place on ourselves and
open our hearts up as non-judgementally
as possible to whatever is happening for
us at the time.
Because in those moments of sacrifice,
when we are always putting our children’s
needs before our own. In those sleepless
nights and the ‘trying to keep calm’
throughout a long tumultuous tantrum. It
is when the housework is piling up, the
never-ending list of your ‘Should do’s’ has
begun, it is in these moments that we need
to be kind to ourselves, we need to show
ourselves some self-compassion because
we are doing it, and we are amazing!
This brings me to Self-Compassion; We
have already discussed the fact that we all
will likely experience some form of mama
guilt on a daily basis. You may notice though
that you’re feeling angst and guilt about the
same things day in and day out. Could it be
that feeling guilty and letting that ‘feeling’ in
isn’t working for you? Guilt creates so much
frustration and self-loathing it is a repetitive
attack upon yourself as a human being – not
just as a parent.
To practice self-compassion is to
ultimately encounter oneself – to look
at you and see your own unique daily
struggles. Know that they are OK. Take
responsibility for your ‘reactions’ know
that it is normal to ‘react’ to your child/
ren rather than to ‘respond’ sometimes,
apologise for your ‘reaction,’ try not to
take it too personally.
This opens up a completely different
discussion for me, but it needs to be
elaborated upon, so let’s talk briefly
about YOUR ‘reactions.’ In owning your
OWN ‘reactions,’ for example yelling
and/or smacking. Knowing that it is
unnecessary to ‘react’ and so much more
empowering to ‘respond’ (responding
may look like you getting down to your
little one’s level, or hugging to then