On the Coast – Families Issue 95 I August/September 2018 | Page 34
The Parenting “Condition”
by Sarah Tolmie
A
s parents the love that
we have for our children
is unconditional…it is a
given…nothing they can do
will ever change the fact that
we love them. We loved them
from the beginning and we
will always love them. Yes,
that is a truly great thing.
Sometimes however, in this tough
gig called ‘parenting’ not all our
interactions feel ‘unconditionally
loving’ simply because the
child/parent dynamic is full
of ‘conditions’ of engagement.
We have to say ‘no’ a lot. We
disappoint and discipline. We
can get angry and snappy and
tired and hurt and generally be
the faulty, flawed human beings
that we are. And sometimes
our offspring will confuse and
equate the conditions of parenting with
conditions for loving them and can arrive
at a faulty logical conclusion and limiting
belief that our love is conditional.
I believe this lies at the very origin of
what is almost a universal, existential
human condition, one that we all carry as
a core wound, a wound that lives at a very
deep place within us, which is that we are
either not lovable or worthy of love.
As a super flawed parent currently of a
moody, angsty teenager, this deeply
concerns and worries me. It is a thought
that ignites and flames my internal pilot
light of ‘mumma guilt’ into an epic inferno.
“OMG he is going to believe I don’t love
him. He’ll be in therapy for life!” Given I
am a therapist and specialise in
relationships, the irony and agony of this
is truly awful.
After the recent school holidays I feel
like very quickly things have escalated
and deteriorated with my teenager. I feel
out of my depth and that our parent/
child relationship is not currently
thriving but just surviving through some
recent experiences. How do I parent
during particularly challenging stresses,
disappointments and flashpoints and
keep the experience of love secure and
safe and intact? I’ve meditated and
prayed on this dilemma a lot lately.
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KI DZ O N T H E C OA ST
Well my trusty Oracle, a.k.a my dear
wise mum, was my first source to consult
and she is basically the only one who can
kick me up the bum and tell me to get real,
take a good look in the mirror and live the
wisdom I teach so many others. Thanks
mum for your brutal honesty, dished out
with love of course. What I know is that it
comes down to conscious loving
relationships skills 101 (and some more
advanced understandings too).
Ultimately what I teach all my
couples and clients, and what I also need
to remember myself, is that “love is a
conscious decision and a decision to be
conscious”. We may unconditionally love
our children at a heart and core level,
but we can’t take that for granted and
assume that is enough and they will
know. Unconditional love in action is
conscious loving. It is a choice, a decision
and a deliberate skill. Knowing love and
experiencing love are different things.
This is what I know (and now what I
must remember to experience and
practice):
1. Unconditional love begins with
unconditional love for yourself. Be
loving with yourself and you will find
an expanded reservoir of love and
tolerance for others too.
2. When you love yourself, you can be
clear about your own personal
‘boundaries’ and when you care for
and protect your boundaries, others
will see, understand and respect
them too.
3. You cannot change anyone, or force
their behaviour to make you feel better.
You must be responsible for what you
feel. Be at choice about what you feel
and be responsible for managing your
own feelings and responses rather than
allow other people’s behaviour to
dictate how you feel.
4. When you are 100% responsible
for how you feel and experience a
relationship, then you can eliminate
any expectation from another.
Expectations create stress and almost
always, disappointment.
5. Nothing is personal. Take nothing
personally. Whatever is happening
is not happening “to you” or to
‘punish you’ but it is happening “for
you” – for your awareness, growth,
and experience and evolving. Treat
everything as a ‘learning moment’
6. Separate the behaviour from the
person. Be clear in your languaging,
rather than “you are lazy” is better
expressed as “that is a very lazy
attitude”.
Sometimes under stress and new
challenges we can lapse back into
unconscious, which can very much stray
into ‘conditional loving’ territory.
To evolve and rise above and beyond
just merely surviving parenthood, to
create a thriving relationship, we need to
make a conscious choice and effort to BE
love for them.
Conscious loving skills are all about
awareness, choice and communicating.
Sarah Tolmie is a Life & Love celebrant, coach, pastoral carer and consultant assisting people to
celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love transitions. Her practice focuses on love
& relationships; families & children; life success & fulfilment; illness, death & grief. As an holistic Celebrant
Sarah creates profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. Sarah is also a Laughter
Yoga Practitioner. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and receive her Daily Love
updates on her Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love