in a neonatal care unit due to medical reasons . For a baby , this can be very distressing and depending on the medical condition and length of time in special care can result in attachment difficulties .
During pregnancy the umbilical cord is a tube-like structure that connects a foetus to the mother ’ s placenta , providing oxygen and nutrient-rich blood and removing waste . The moment the umbilical cord ceases , the physical cord needs to be replaced by a psychological cord . This happens when a mother responds to her baby ’ s cry and distress with touch , food , nurturance , and soothing in her loving arms . A child learns that Hey , people respond to me when I cry , I get fed when I am hungry , my mother picks me up when I feel lonely . This world is a SAFE PLACE to live in . However , when this does not happen in those early days , a baby may internalise a sense of this world is not a safe place even though their parents ’ strongest desire is to be close to their baby and meet his / her needs . Without the help to calm down their big and scary feelings in those early days , these babies will find it confusing when help eventually arrives and their needs are being met in the arms of loving parents . These experiences can impact on the child ’ s later development even though they don ’ t have any memory of the event . A child in this situation could struggle with separation and in trusting their parent will come back to them . Such a child may worry about a parent not picking them up from school or dance class even if this has never happened before .
Other examples of unintentional circumstances impacting on attachment are the unexpected hospitalisation of the parent or child , a parent going through a traumatic experience or a parent experiencing mental health issues .
The good news is that repair and healing are always possible regardless of the age of the child or the severity of the break in their relationship .
I recently saw * Susan and her daughter * Lilly ( 4 ). Susan was worried about her daughter ’ s change in behaviour . Lilly was not able to listen to any of her mother ’ s instructions and was hitting her . Susan had lost both of her parents in a car accident two years earlier and went through a period of depression . Susan and her daughter Lilly were very close when Lilly was a baby and Susan had beautiful memories of meeting Lilly ’ s needs and spending a lot of floor time with her . But things had changed . During the past two years Susan found it difficult to be emotionally available to her daughter . She was physically caring for Lily , but on an emotional level she was “ gone ”. She did not have the energy to play with her daughter or meet her emotional needs for play , comfort and delight . This impacted very much on their attachment relationship .
Susan was supported to make a few changes in her parenting . She validated Lilly ’ s feelings and dealt with her aggressive behaviour in a way that supported their relationship .
Attachment based therapy with Susan and Lilly focused on playful , fun , trusting
The good news is that repair and healing are always possible regardless of the age of the child or the severity of the break in their relationship .
and nurturing activities through sensory and interactive play . Attachment based therapy is very helpful in the healing and repairing of ruptured attachments . Susan was also guided into interactions where she was able to rock Lilly , feed her , nurture her and meet her earlier unmet developmental needs . The attachment between Lily and her mother was strengthened and Lilly ’ s behaviour improved .
If you identify with any of the above , I would encourage you as a parent to focus on connection with your child . Play is a very powerful aspect in the development of attachment . Enter into your child ’ s world . Sit with them , “ be with ” them . Your undivided attention will heal and calm them . Your child may test this new relationship for a while . They may even regress to earlier developmental stages , but be consistent and never hesitate to ask for support or help . Many parents and children have been able to heal ruptured relationships with the guidance of trained professionals in attachmentbased play therapy .
* Not their real names
Lindie has a Master ’ s degree in Social Work . She is a trained Attachment therapist and Play therapist . Lindie specialises in working with children who have experienced trauma and attachment difficulties . Contact Lindie on 0424 882 013 , or visit her Facebook page Lindie ( Nell Child Therapist Central Coast ).
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