because they’d just done an ultrasound when I arrived in the hospital and
she’d seemed just fine but her face is tinted blue and when I see her my
heart sinks and my quick breathing still quickens and I scream until the
nurse wraps her hand around my arm and makes me lie back against the
pillows. The doctors take my baby away.
When they return, they have her in their arms, wrapped in little
pink blankets. They put her in my arms, and she feels warm. Her face
is more pink than blue now, and her skin forms a soft fold between her
eyebrows. I push it up, and it sinks back down.
“Don’t worry, it won’t look like that forever,” the nurse says. Hot
tears flood my eyes and I turn my head so I don’t bother her. My little
Jamie. The nurses take her away from me and I nap and while I sleep my
foster sister, Sadie, comes in the room and leaves me a card that I think
she bought in the hospital.
“Baby is beautiful, baby,” it says. “Just like you. Love you.” The
lump I’ve carried in my throat for the past nine months tightens, familiar,
and I am alone.
***
Backing the car out of the driveway, I realize that I don’t know
where to head. It’s a Saturday, so it’s not as if she took the school bus
somewhere. It occurs to me that, if she were gone long enough, she could
have walked to the school, even though it’s nearly ten miles away. I blow
a stop sign and hitch a right outside of the neighborhood, ignoring the
speed limit signs and making my way toward Robinson Elementary,
where I’ve just been last night for a conference with Jamie’s teacher. She’d
called me earlier in the week, her voice bright and saccharine.
“Jamie is such a sweet girl, Ms. Carter,” she said, jumped right in
with no usual pleasantries. “She is a joy to have in class. She just seems to
have a hard time grasping the material that we’ve been working on.”
I remember the way my heart beat up into my throat, the way I was
silent, daring her to continue.
“Now, I don’t think that this is anything to be too concerned
about, and I think that Jamie’s future is bright, but we ought to set up
a conference sometime this week in order to discuss other options for
Jamie’s education.”
I’d glanced down at the coupons I’d been clipping before the
phone rang and ran a finger back and forth in between the blades.
116