June 2016 | Page 44

But let’s backtrack a bit. It wasn’t always smooth sailing. I’m talking about those preteen and teen years that most parents moan and groan about. The push back—really challenging—years when they think they know it all and parents are idiots. Yes, we had those too. It is so easy to see the path our kids should follow. After all, we have been there, made the mistakes, and gained the wisdom. So why shouldn’t they want our experience to show them the way? Many of us parent the way we were raised. In some families, you didn’t question your parents at all. For the easy-going child, there was never a need to. But for some children, “I’m the Mom, that’s why” or “because I told you” are instant pushback and frustrating for everyone. The child pushes back and then the parent pushes harder, and thus begins a ping-pong game of sorts until there is a blow up. Mom and Dad might win and feels justified, yet privately aches for the unhappy child. The child feels angry, unheard, and powerless. I came across this quote from Dr. Shefali Tsabary, clinical psychologist, author and speaker, “We are in charge of our children but not in control of them.” How do we balance that with wanting the best for our children and knowing our life experience can help them on their path? A friend gave me some parenting advice when my son was about ten, and it totally changed our relationship. Because it taught me how to empower him. It was the best advi ce I ever received. It starts with asking the child questions, listening, being present, and creating a safe space for them. It is about connecting with them in a way that lets them know they have the power to spread their wings and fly. Here are the seven things I said that helped empower my son be the man he is today. 1. What are your thoughts? This is a great way to draw them out and have a conversation. It is really important to stay on your side of the fence or line, and really give them a safe space to share. If you advance too much or too quickly, they will retreat and the conversation will be over. They have to really feel safe in letting down their defenses and the trust that is built is amazingly strong. 2. How do you plan to handle that? I admit, the first time I asked him this question was a bit unnerving for both of us. I took a leap of faith by not “telling” him what to do. Suddenly, he had the 44 | Eydis Magazine