JOY FEELINGS MAGAZINE January 2016 issue | Page 69

partner, you create barriers that only make a happy relationship
harder. As Psychology Today puts it:
Fighting of any sort indicates that partners have taken a stance
against each other. Fighting pits me against you, with expectations
that one of us will emerge as a winner and the other as the loser.
Participants are antagonists, competitors for who will win.
Collaborative partnering, by contrast, involves side-by-side
problem-solving. In collaborative discussions of even the most
sensitive and difficult issues, both parties pursue mutual
understanding. Both seek to understand the other’s point of view as
well as to express their own concerns. Both presume that a broader
and deeper understanding of both their own and their partner’s
concerns will open a pathway for moving forward that will be
responsive to all of these concerns.
Sometimes the problems will simply be how you feel. "When you
won't put your smartphone down at dinner, it makes me feel
neglected" is just as legitimate of a problem as arguments over
household chores. The important thing is to express the issue as
something that the two of you can work together to resolve.
Once the talk is done, be sure to take action. Your ability to
communicate is important and helps with feeling more of a bond
with your partner, but if nothing changes, you'll be having the same
conversations again in a week. Once the two of you have established
what needs to change, follow the same tactics you would to form
good habits. Remind yourself later about the things your partner
wants to change. Don't rely on memory alone.

Joy feelings mag

Page 69