Jewish Life Digital Edition September 2015 | Page 32

he told them that she was “in the tent”.
But the Talmud15 says the malachim already knew where Sarah was when they
asked this question! So why would they
bother to ask a question to which they already knew the answer? (No, they weren’t
attorneys!) They asked it so that when
Avraham answered them, he would take
notice through his own words of the great
modesty displayed by his wife, Sarah, who
had remained within her tent at that
time. The entire purpose of this exchange
with the malachim was in order to endear
Sarah to Avraham. No doubt Avraham
and Sarah already had much love for each
other. However, yet again, we see the
lengths to which one is meant to go to
create or even enhance marital harmony!
Perhaps the most astonishing example
of this concept is found two generations
later with Avraham’s grandson, Yaakov
and his wife, Rachel. Several years have
passed since their marriage and we find
Rachel distraught, having witnessed her
sister Leah bear six children to Yaakov
and each of the maidservants another
two children, while she remained childless. Her distress and shame had only
multiplied over the years, as she had
watched her co-wives conceive child after
chil d. As such, it would seem understandable when, after finally giving birth to her
first son, Yosef, she proclaimed16, “Elokim
has gathered up my disgrace.” However,
on that verse, Rashi quotes the Midrash,
which states: “So long as a woman does
not have a son, she does not have anyone
to blame for her blunders. When she does
have a son, she blames him. [When her
husband asks:] ‘Who broke this utensil?’
[she answers:] ‘Your son’. [When her husband asks:] ‘Who ate these dates?’ [she
answers:] ‘Your son’.”

In the modern marriage, it seems
rather easy to overlook or even be
insensitive to these principles.
Rav Shmuelevitz asks how it is possible
that Rachel could begin to think in this
way. Yaakov had toiled for Rachel’s hand in
marriage for 14 years and such was his
love that the time seemed to pass for him
“like a few days17”. Is it conceivable that
Yaakov would have become angry over Rachel’s mere breaking of a glass or, say, eating the last chocolate? Even more amazingly, Rachel had this thought after having
been childless for years. She had been so
anguished over the state of affairs that she
had declared18 to Yaakov: “Give me sons!
And if not, I’m dead!” Having a child made
Rachel feel as though she had been resurrected from death. It’s almost impossible
to imagine a happier occasion for her. And
yet, at such a pivotally significant juncture,
Rachel’s primary concern was with the
triviality of being able to blame her newborn son in the not-to-distant future for
seemingly insignificant gaffes!
What we see from here is that, in the
eyes of the patriarchs and the matriarchs,
the maintenance of peace and the avoidance of even minor conflict was vitally
important and always at the forefront of
their thoughts, no matter how minor
such issues may be or appear to be to us.
Even at such a momentous occasion, Rachel was focused on celebrating not merely the ending of her years of childlessness,
but rather the reduction in opportunity
for the slightest amount of discord between her and Yaakov – a profound reminder of the importance of there always
being shalom between husband and wife.
In the modern marriage, it seems rath-

in the eyes of the patriarchs and the
matriarchs, the maintenance of peace
and the avoidance of even minor conflict
was vitally important and always at the
forefront of their thoughts, no matter
how minor such issues may be or appear
to be to us.
28 JEWISH LIFE n ISSUE 88

er easy to overlook or even be insensitive
to these principles. Husbands sometimes
forget to tell their wives that they’re running late or leave clothes lying around the
house. Wives sometimes over-cater or
take a long time to leave a wedding function. Whenever these things happen and
our spouses become irritated or cross, it’s
easy to think it’s our spouse’s responsibility to calm down or to grow up – it’s not
such a big deal after all, right? However,
that’s just it – it’s a very big deal and we
must endeavour to avoid provoking such
negative reactions from our spouses, at
the very least, to the same extent that we
would go to avoid eating something that
wasn’t kosher or a similar prohibition!
To many of us, the extent of the emphasis that the patriarchs and the matriarchs placed on shalom bayis will seem
strange – even quaint. While we may value highly our relationships with our
spouses, it still seems somewhat foreign
to us to be as concerned about shalom
bayis as we see from these examples.
However, it’s precisely this feeling of
strangeness that should alert us to the
disparity between what we consider important and what Hashem does – and,
hopefully, as a result, we will be driven to
making a closer examination of what the
Torah really requires of us in this area,
followed by a radical shift in our own value system. JL
Shabbos 127a
Hilchos Matanos Aniyim 10:1
3
Avos 1:12
4
Rashi on Vayikra 26:6
5
Sanhedrin 110a
6
Midrash Rabba, Parshas Korach
7
Shmiras Halashon, Sha’ar Haz’chira,
Chapter 15
8
Aderes Eliahu, Parshas Devorim
9
Vayikra 26:36
10
Shabbos 55a
11
Bereishis 18:12
12
Sichos Mussar 10
13
Bereishis 17:17
14
Bereishis 18:9
15
Bava Metzia 87a
16
Bereishis 30:23
17
Bereishis 27:20
18
Bereishis 30:1
1
2