Jewish Life Digital Edition September 2015 | Page 20

ROSH HASHANAH 5776
we’ve erred, that we’re flawed, we experience a taste of humility. No one ever said
saying sorry was easy. But an apology is almost like our acknowledging to ourselves
and to Hashem that we want to develop
into an improved version of ourselves.
It’s not easy to forgive under the best of
circumstances, how much more so when
we don’t even get an apology from the person who hurt us! But, there are good reasons to forgive someone, whether or not
we ever get the apology that we’re owed.

WE’RE ONLY HURTING
OURSELVES

Who is really hurt when we hold on to
negative feelings towards another person? We are! By holding on to the pain of
things that were said or done to us, we
make ourselves angry, bitter people. Feelings such as hate, anger, and bitterness
are like open, festering wounds. Just like
a real wound, if left untreated, it will get
badly infected and that infection will
spread, possibly even jeopardising our
lives! It’s bad enough that someone said
or did something wrong to us; do we need
to make it worse by causing ourselves further damage and adding it to the baggage
we carry around with us each day?

HERE’S TO HEALTH!

Forgiveness is simply an integral part of
living a healthy lifestyle. Research into
the effects of holding onto resentment
and anger for our physical health shows
these emotions have severely negative
side effects – damaging us physically (in
addition to the spiritual and emotional
harm they do). Feelings of resentment
have been proven to induce and increase
stress, causing headaches, and deteriorate

and slow down metabolism, causing
weight gain. High levels of anger have
been linked to heart disease, high blood
pressure, and stroke. And, the behaviour
manifestations of resentment and anger
don’t just stay contained; they cause a
general negative attitude and can trickle
down into other relationships with detrimental consequences. Do we really need
more motivation to forgive?

JUST IMAGINE

Ever had someone who wasn’t all there do
something to embarrass or hurt you? Or
had a child throw a tantrum and say/do
terrible things to you? Did you take situations like these personally? You almost
certainly brushed them off and moved on,
realising there was something wrong with
that person or that he just couldn’t help
himself. And, the fact is, a person doesn’t
have to be mentally ill to act crazy or a
child to act childish and throw tantrums.
Someone who does things to hurt others,
without recognising the damage he’s done
or try to remedy things, has some real issues. Instead of being angered by such
people, we should respond with compassion and pity.

STEP INTO SOMEONE
ELSE’S SHOES

And it doesn’t have to be something as severe as mental illness at the root of the
problem. It could just be that we need to
take a step back and realise that someone
has simply had a bad day, missed lunch,
or is going through a difficult time in his
personal or professional life – or his actions could be the result of not dealing
well with an emotion like jealousy.
Haven’t we all been there? It may also

FEELINGS OF RESENTMENT HAVE BEEN PROVEN
TO INDUCE AND INCREASE STRESS, CAUSING
HEADACHES, AND DETERIORATE AND SLOW DOWN
METABOLISM, CAUSING WEIGHT GAIN. HIGH LEVELS
OF ANGER HAVE BEEN LINKED TO HEART DISEASE,
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, AND STROKE.
16 JEWISH LIFE ■ ISSUE 88

help us to think of times we’ve wronged
others without meaning to do so.
Sometimes, recognising that the other
person didn’t act with malice or even the
slightest intent to harm is enough to help
us to forgive. And sometimes we just
need to try and see things from another
person’s perspective. If we sit and think
about it, we might realise that, given the
same set of circumstances, we wouldn’t
have acted any differently than that person did.

TAKE CONTROL OF THE
SITUATION

We can’t control what other people say
and do, but we can control how we respond: what we say and do in return and
even the way we feel. It’s our choice to
get upset or angry or to refuse to let
things go and move on. It’s our choice to
shout or hit back as much as it’s our
choice to walk away and move on. I had a
friend who went on a date with a girl
shortly after she’d broken up from a
long-term relationship. It was only one
date, but he still had to sit through hours
of her spewing bitterness over her ex, interspersed with the occasional comment
of, “But, I’m so over him.” Of course you
are, that’s why he comes up in every four
out of five sentences that you utter.
Don’t choose to get stuck in a ditch –
move on! And, for that matter, why sit
back passively waiting for someone to
step forward and say they’re sorry? What
do we gain by waiting, when we can instead take control of the situation by forgiving even before they make a move?
Take a close look at the prayers that
comprise the bedtime shema, which we’re
meant to say each night before drifting
off to sleep. They begin with a declaration
of forgiveness towards anyone who may
have wronged us that day. What a great
way to go to sleep every night!

THE SPIRITUAL SIDE OF THINGS

The Torah says we’re not allowed to bear
grudges or go around hating others in our
hearts, or, even worse, take revenge on
others (the best, and only kosher, revenge

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