Jewish Life Digital Edition September 2015 | Page 111

tionships. Oftentimes we are so convinced about what we believe ourselves to
be offering that we may tend to ignore or
even argue vigorously with anyone who
suggests the contrary, including a spouse
or a child. It is therefore useful to start
the process by answering what, in your
mind, are people signing up for when
they enter into a relationship with you?
The next step requires being scrupulously honest with yourself in a compassionate and non-judgmental way. If you
are too harsh or overly critical with yourself, you will become inwardly defensive
and either lie to yourself or avoid dealing
with these important issues altogether.
It’s an important skill for personal growth
to become mindful and open to the feedback you receive from others, both positive and negative. The positive feedback
helps you stay on track and maintain and
build on the good.
Then consider the feedback that tells
you that you are not living up to your ideals in the relationship. For example, the
criticism you get or messages you believe
that you have adequately heard, and yet
others keep repeating, because in truth
you have not fully heard or taken to heart
what they are asking from you. This includes feedback about how you may disappoint, hurt or frustrate them. At times,
challenging feedback will be given directly
by people telling you what they need from
you, or the alternative approach that they
need you to adopt if you want them to
feel cared for, respected, or valued by you.
It may come to you through people’s actions, for example: avoiding contact with
you or openly criticising you.
Decide based on this review of the feedback you receive whether your beliefs
about what you actually offer people in
relationships squares up with what you
tell them or wish them to believe they are
getting from you. If your answer is that
the promise and reality do not square up,
what then? You need to think about why
there is a gap between what you tell yourself about your performance in relationships versus what people actually experience from you.
Become clear in your own mind about
what you would like people to be signing

When you espouse values that are contradicted by your act V