Jewish Life Digital Edition October 2015 | Page 62
GOT ISSUES? SERENNE CAN HELP EMAIL: [email protected]
DEAR SERENNE
matriculated two years ago and
used to be part of the very ‘main’
crowd at my school. I come from a
very irreligious background and my
life was full of hooking up with girls,
drinking, smoking and partying. I
had an amazing experience on the
Encounter programme, during which I
had exposure to different people, and
since then, families who have showed
me another lifestyle, which is very
appealing to me. Now, I’ve been asked
to a dance at my old school by a girl
who I have always liked. But I’m in a
dilemma about accepting, as so much
has changed for me. I don’t want to
be ‘that guy’ who everyone says has
changed so much and has ‘dissed’
his old mates, yet I feel worried
about being back in that hectic
environment. What should I do?
Close Encounter
PHOTOGRAPH: BIGSTOCKPHOTO.COM; (PORTRAIT): SUPPLIED
I
Dear Close Encounter
It seems to me that you have elected to pursue a whole
new spiritual avenue for yourself, which has immersed
you in a new way of being in the world. It appears that
what is on offer has been deeply attractive to you, and
you have re-evaluated your previous life choices.
However, with considerable change comes adjustment issues, which includes
consolidating differences to your identity as a young man and surrounding
yourself with circumstances that are comfortable for you.
It sounds like you’re worried you will be criticised for abandoning your old
group and the value system that perhaps defines them. This is a very real
concern, especially if there are still friendships that are worth preserving.
Those connections you still experience as solid should withstand the
metamorphosis in you, while those that were more superficial may end up
falling away. I guess it’s a process to test out which relationships are, as they say,
for “a season, a reason, or a lifetime”. The friends who are for a lifetime should
be able to respect who you are becoming and suspend their judgment while
DO NOT SET YOURSELF UP FOR HAVING AN
EXPERIENCE THAT LEAVES YOU FEELING ALIENATED AND
WHICH IS INCONGRUENT WITH YOUR EMERGING SELF.
still finding common ground with you. These are the
friendships worth continuing to invest in, regardless
of the different paths you may be exploring.
As far as the invitation goes, you need to evaluate
for yourself just how compromised you may or
may not be by accepting. Do not set yourself up
for having an experience that leaves you feeling
alienated and which is incongruent with your
emerging self. You also need to be considerate
to the girl who has asked you and perhaps have a
conversation with her about what your worries are.
It may be that you can navigate a way around this,
but only if she is receptive and understanding. I
suppose the dilemma also involves how you feel
about inter-gender mixing in general, and how
you’ll choose to negotiate this going forward.
Clearly, you find yourself at a turning point in
your life, a crossroads which has the potential to shape the course of your life. Change brings with it ambivalence
and also fear, as it involves loss on the one hand and anticipation of new and unchartered territory on the other.
It may be that you’ve elected to move away from your former partying and on to embracing a new celebration of another
sort. It is soul-searching time, which requires self-introspection and courage, and I wish you both!
Serenne Kaplan is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She has three children, two of whom are teenagers.
58 JEWISH LIFE ■ ISSUE 89