Jewish Life Digital Edition October 2015 | Page 62

GOT ISSUES? SERENNE CAN HELP EMAIL: [email protected] DEAR SERENNE matriculated two years ago and used to be part of the very ‘main’ crowd at my school. I come from a very irreligious background and my life was full of hooking up with girls, drinking, smoking and partying. I had an amazing experience on the Encounter programme, during which I had exposure to different people, and since then, families who have showed me another lifestyle, which is very appealing to me. Now, I’ve been asked to a dance at my old school by a girl who I have always liked. But I’m in a dilemma about accepting, as so much has changed for me. I don’t want to be ‘that guy’ who everyone says has changed so much and has ‘dissed’ his old mates, yet I feel worried about being back in that hectic environment. What should I do? Close Encounter PHOTOGRAPH: BIGSTOCKPHOTO.COM; (PORTRAIT): SUPPLIED I Dear Close Encounter It seems to me that you have elected to pursue a whole new spiritual avenue for yourself, which has immersed you in a new way of being in the world. It appears that what is on offer has been deeply attractive to you, and you have re-evaluated your previous life choices. However, with considerable change comes adjustment issues, which includes consolidating differences to your identity as a young man and surrounding yourself with circumstances that are comfortable for you. It sounds like you’re worried you will be criticised for abandoning your old group and the value system that perhaps defines them. This is a very real concern, especially if there are still friendships that are worth preserving. Those connections you still experience as solid should withstand the metamorphosis in you, while those that were more superficial may end up falling away. I guess it’s a process to test out which relationships are, as they say, for “a season, a reason, or a lifetime”. The friends who are for a lifetime should be able to respect who you are becoming and suspend their judgment while DO NOT SET YOURSELF UP FOR HAVING AN EXPERIENCE THAT LEAVES YOU FEELING ALIENATED AND WHICH IS INCONGRUENT WITH YOUR EMERGING SELF. still finding common ground with you. These are the friendships worth continuing to invest in, regardless of the different paths you may be exploring. As far as the invitation goes, you need to evaluate for yourself just how compromised you may or may not be by accepting. Do not set yourself up for having an experience that leaves you feeling alienated and which is incongruent with your emerging self. You also need to be considerate to the girl who has asked you and perhaps have a conversation with her about what your worries are. It may be that you can navigate a way around this, but only if she is receptive and understanding. I suppose the dilemma also involves how you feel about inter-gender mixing in general, and how you’ll choose to negotiate this going forward. Clearly, you find yourself at a turning point in your life, a crossroads which has the potential to shape the course of your life. Change brings with it ambivalence and also fear, as it involves loss on the one hand and anticipation of new and unchartered territory on the other. It may be that you’ve elected to move away from your former partying and on to embracing a new celebration of another sort. It is soul-searching time, which requires self-introspection and courage, and I wish you both! Serenne Kaplan is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She has three children, two of whom are teenagers. 58 JEWISH LIFE ■ ISSUE 89