Jewish Life Digital Edition October 2015 | Page 38

WIT & WISDOM

BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS

WIT

A FREUDIAN FIELD DAY
Mrs Goldfarb takes her little boy to the
beach, and as soon as she settles under an
umbrella, the routine begins:
“Alan, come over here. Don’t go into the
water, you’ll drown!”
“Alan, don’t play in the sand. It’ll get in your
eyes.”
“Alan, come out of the sun. You’ll get
sunstroke!”
“Oy vey, such a nervous child.”

A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP

Solly has been tossing and turning all night long, unable to sleep.
“Solly, what’s wrong?” asks Doris.
“It’s that $10 000 I owe Benny. I have to repay it by tomorrow and I haven’t
got it.”
Doris opens the window wide and yells at the house opposite: “Benny!
Benny! You know that money Solly owes you? He’s due to pay you back
tomorrow, right? Well, he hasn’t got it!”
She shuts the window and says, “Now let him do the worrying – you go to sleep.”

JEWISH SHOPPING

34 JEWISH LIFE ■ ISSUE 89

DESIGNED BY FREEPIK.COM

Moishe needs a new suit for a forthcoming family
bar mitzvah, so he decides to visit his friend’s shop,
Isaac’s Menswear, to see what he can get, qualityand price-wise.
“Hi Moishe,” says Isaac when he sees his friend in
his shop. “Nice to see you in here at last. You’re now
inside the best menswear shop in London. There’s
no bargaining shbargaining in here!”
“I’m glad to hear it,” says Moishe. “I just can’t stand
all that bartering that often goes on.”
“Okay. So what can I show you?” asks Isaac. “What
are you looking for?”
“I’m looking to buy a suit for my nephew’s bar
mitzvah,” replies Moishe.
“Then I’ve got the very suit for you,” says Isaac. “I’ll
go get it and show it to you.”
Isaac soon comes back with a smart looking navy
suit on a hanger and shows it to Moishe.
“Yes,” says Moishe, “that’s exactly what I’m looking
for. So, how much is it?”
“Well,” replies Isaac, “For this suit, I’m not asking for
£600, not £520, and not even £515. For this lovely
smart suit, I’m asking just £410.”
“It’s a pleasure to be inside my friend’s shop,” says
Moishe, “so I’m not going to insult you and offer
you £300, or £350, or even £360. For this suit, I’ll
give you £370.”
“Okay Moishe,” says Isaac, “it’s yours for £390.”
“It’s a metsieh (a bargain),” says Moishe. “So wrap it
up already – I’ll take it.”

Yankel gets pulled over for speeding...
Yankel: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Yankel: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Yankel: I would give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: You don’t have one?
Yankel: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Yankel: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Yankel: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Yankel: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Yankel: Killed the owner. I had to; self-defence. Otherwise he
would’ve called the police and I’d be in jail.
The officer looks at Yankel and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Senior officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Yankel steps out
of the vehicle.
Yankel: Is there a problem sir?
Senior officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
killed the owner.
Yankel: Killed the owner?
Senior officer: Is this your car, sir?
Yankel: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Senior officer: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driving licence.
Yankel digs into his pocket, takes out his licence, and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior officer: Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a
licence, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Yankel: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too!

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A VIOLENT CRIME?