Jewish Life Digital Edition November 2014 | Page 36

WIT & WISDOM

BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS

WIT

WHAT A COUNTRY

AT THE VETS
Morty visits the veterinarian and says, “My dog has
a problem.”
The doctor replies, “So tell me about the dog’s
problem.”
“First, you should know that he’s a Jewish dog. His
name is Irving and he can talk,” says Morty.
“He can talk?” the doubtful doctor asks.
“Watch this!” Morty points to the dog and
commands: “Irving, fetch!”
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door,
then turns around and demands, “So why are you
talking to me like that? You order me around like
I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want
something. And then you make me sleep on the
floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta
food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s
a special diet. It tastes like dreck! You should eat
it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent
walk? No, it’s out of the house, a short stroll, and
right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out
a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I
should roll over and play dead for real for all that
you care!”
The doctor is amazed. “This is remarkable! What
could be the problem?”
Morty says, “Obviously, he has a hearing problem!
I said ‘fetch’, not ‘kvetch’.”

32 JEWISH LIFE

ISSUE 79

RULES

Rabbi Friedman did a double-take: there in the restaurant,
clearly visible through the large window, was the president of
his congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam chowder the
waitress was setting before him.
As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish, jumbo shrimp
wrapped in bacon, was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi’s
disgusted visage, the president ate his way through his dinner. As
he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him, saying: “You, you
of all people, leader of the congregation,
supposed to be an example, how could
you eat such treif!?”
The president replied: “You saw me
eat the soup? And the shrimp?”
“Yes,” came the reply.
“Then there is no problem – I
ate my food under rabbinical
supervision!”

SAY CHEESE
CHUTZPAH
Chutzpah is going to the
psychiatrist because of
a split personality, and
asking for a group rate.

Q: What do
you get when
you cross a
Russian Jew
with a German
Jew?
A: Children
who are
exactly 10
minutes late!

If Mona Lisa’s mother was Jewish, she’d
have said: “After all that money your
father and I spent on braces, that’s the
biggest smile you can give us?”

TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS; PHOTOGRAPHS: BIGSTOCKPHOTO; ALL-FREE-DOWNLOAD; WIKIPEDIA.ORG

(Told in a heavy foreign accent)
Sam’s grandfather is visiting America, from
Europe, for the very first time. He goes up and
down the aisles of the local food store with his
grandson.
“Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?”
“Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water, and
you have fresh ‘orange juice’.”
A few minutes later, in a different aisle…
“Und vas dis? Powdered milk?”
“Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water, and
you have fresh milk!”
A few minutes later, in a different aisle…
“Und give a look here! Baby powder! Vat a
country, vat a country!”