GOT ISSUES? SERENNE CAN HELP EMAIL: [email protected]
I
Dear stressed and depressed
When you are the victim of a bully, it feels like your
whole life is controlled by this single person, who
appears to have the power to derail your entire
world. It gives rise to overwhelming feelings of fear,
helplessness, rage and shame, which you believe you
are impotent to change. You feel like a passive player in your own life, which
seems to be spiralling out of control. The bully relies on these responses from
you in order to continue his reign of terror. He anticipates your reactions to
perpetuate his tight grip on your life. In fact, this is what fuels him and drives
his campaign against you. He gets off on wielding the power to undo your
world so systematically. When we are stressed, we humans go into one of
two basic responses – what is known as fight, or flight and freeze. You are
utilising the flight and freeze response when you retreat to the toilets to hide,
or withdraw to your room, becoming unable to do the tasks required of you.
He is being very successful in hijacking your life, and you are paying a steep
price, with your marks dropping as well as being unable to do your barmi
preparation, which is such an important milestone in your life.
The more you allow this victim status to shape your behaviour, the more
power you actually give this bully, who appears to be operating on his
THE MORE YOU ALLOW THIS VICTIM STATUS TO SHAPE YOUR
BEHAVIOUR, THE MORE POWER YOU ACTUALLY GIVE THIS BULLY.
own without pulling the other boys into his camp.
I believe you have more support from your friends
than you believe, as well as the school, which has
taken some steps to demonstrate its stand against
this. However, schools today have to adopt a zero
tolerance to bullying, and this boy needs to be held
accountable. Speaking out to your rabbi was a step in
the right direction, and I would urge you to tell your
parents too, as holding it inside keeps you prisoner
to your thoughts. The bully also trades on silence
through fear, in order to retain his power.
Classically, the bully bends or loses interest when
you choose a different behaviour, and in a way, your
friends are correct whe n they encourage you to
confront or ignore him. Being ignored is no fun for
the bully! So instead of resorting to dire or drastic
revenge fantasies or self-destructive plans, you need
to come out of hiding and take back your life. You may need help in doing this, and I strongly recommend you find a
counsellor who could guide you through this process and help you gather tools in mobilising your strength. You may also
require medication if the depression you describe is entrenched and hard to shift.
Finally, remember the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, who said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Wishing you courage!
Serenne Kaplan is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She has three children, two of whom are teenagers.
92 JEWISH LIFE
ISSUE 82
PHOTOGRAPH: BIGSTOCKPHOTO.COM; (PORTRAIT): SUPPLIED
DEAR SERENNE
’ve just started high school, and
a boy has started teasing and
picking on me. Lately, it has become
too much for me, and I’ve stopped
going out to break, as I know he will
be there. He’s not joined by anyone,
but my friends just say, “Take it like
a man” or “Just ignore him”. I’ve held
it all inside and have not even told
my parents, but sometimes I just
burst into tears, and then seem like a
baby. Today I was so depressed that I
locked myself in the boys’ bathroom
until the end of the day. I told one
rabbi who is close to me, who then
informed the principal, and the class
were also told so they can help me
more. I’m unable to do my homework
properly, or practise my barmi
leining, and am falling behind. I have
thoughts of taking my own life or
even his. Please help me.
Stressed and depressed