BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS
WIT
HEAVENLY REWARD
Yitzhak and Estie have been eating the healthiest and most
organic of foods for over 10 years – mainly at the insistence of
Estie. She also ensures they regularly attend fitness classes, so
although they are in their 80s, they are both in excellent health.
But their good health doesn’t help them when their car collides
with a truck on the highway and they’re both killed.
When they reach Heaven, a guide takes them to a beautiful
house, furnished in gold and fine silks. All their favourite
clothes are hanging in the bedroom’s wardrobes and the
kitchen is fully stocked. There is even a waterfall in the house’s
extensive grounds. Yitzhak and Estie are thrilled when the
guide says, “Welcome to your new home.” In their previous
life, they were not very well off and survived by watching their
pennies, so Yitzhak asks, “How much is this going to cost?”
“Nothing,” replies the guide, “this is your reward in Heaven.”
Yitzhak looks out the window. To the left of the waterfall is a
golf course, more beautiful than any he’d seen on Earth. “What
are the green fees?” he asks.
“This is Heaven,” replies the guide, “you can play for free, every day.”
The guide then takes them into to the clubhouse. “Wow!”
says Yitzhak, when he sees the lavish buffet lunch laid out
before them. There is every kind of food, from steaks to exotic
desserts, and plenty of alcohol.
“Don’t even ask,” says the guide, “this is Heaven, it’s all free for
you to enjoy.”
Yitzhak looks around, glances nervously at Estie and asks,
“Where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated coffee?”
“That’s the best part,” replies the guide, “you can eat and drink
as much as you like of whatever you like, and you’ll never get
fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
Yitzhak says, “No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to,” replies the guide.
“No testing of my sugar, cholesterol or blood pressure?”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself,” replies the guide.
On hearing all this, Yitzhak glares at Estie and says, “Well,
thanks! If it wasn’t for your disgusting bran cereals, your
revolting unsweetened green teas, your tasteless unsalted
crisps, your silly small portions, your watery alcohol-free
Kiddush wine and your mind-numbingly low-fat everything,
we could have been here 10 years ago!”
28 JEWISH LIFE
ISSUE 82
Moishe’s Pet
Moishe was lonely and wanted a pet. But
not just any pet – he wanted one that was
different. So he went to Al’s pet store and
told Al he wanted a different kind of pet.
After some discussion, Moishe bought a
talking centipede, which came in a little
white box that was his house.
Moishe took the box home. He found a
good place to put it and decided he would
immediately take his new pet to the local bar
to show it off. He asked the centipede in the
box, “Would you like to go to the bar and
have a l’chaim with me?”
There was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered Moishe a bit, but he waited a
few minutes and then asked his pet again, “How
about going to the bar for a l’chaim with me?”
Again, there was no answer from his new pet. So
Moishe waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting
his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting,
“Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to the bar and have a
l’chaim with me?”
A little voice came out of the box: “Give me a break already! I
heard you the first time! I’m just putting on my shoes.”
COLLATERAL DAMAGE
Jacov Rosenbloom walked into a bank in New York City one
day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that
he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed
to borrow $5 000. The bank officer told him the bank would
need some form of security for the loan.
Jacov handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on
the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the
car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at Jacov for using a $250 000 Ferrari as collateral against a
$5 000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank’s underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, Jacov returned, repaid the $5 000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles
us is why would you bother to borrow $5 000?”
Jacov replied: “Where else in New
York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only
$15.41 and expect it
to be there when I
return?”
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WIT & WISDOM