GOT ISSUES? SERENNE CAN HELP EMAIL: [email protected]
Dear Unhappy Twin
The relationship between twins is often seen as closer
than any other human relationship. However, this can
DEAR SERENNE
sometimes be an idealised fantasy, and the need to
’m an identical twin boy of 16. Until
develop a separate identity during adolescence can
recently, my twin and I were so
create new and uneasy tensions between twins, as
they face unique challenges in physical, emotional,
close. We did everything together.
social and academic areas. All teenagers have to deal
But now things are different. He
with the developmental task of beginning to separate
has found a girlfriend and different
and become more independent from their parents, but twins face the double
friends. He is doing so well at school,
challenge of individuating from their womb-mate too. The job of establishing
while I’m finding it so hard to manage
a stable identity in the world is even harder for twins (especially identical or
in high school. He has also got onto
monozygotic twins) as they are so often defined by their sameness while
the rugby team but I’m not good at
growing up.
sports. He gets so much attention
In the book of Bereishit, we read about the twinship of Yaakov and Eisav,
from my parents, and lately we are
who competed for parental attention and had very different personalities.
fighting over everything. I thought
You are also struggling to understand how the bond you shared has been
twins were supposed to be close.
replaced by feelings of rivalry and competition, making you feel left behind
How come everything has changed
and inferior as your twin seems to be doing well at school work and in sports.
He also appears to be moving away from you socially by selecting a different
between us?
peer group and entering into a romantic relationship. Most singleton sibling
Please help
relationships, especially when close in age, carry with them elements of
Unhappy Twin
competition, but with twins, comparisons, favouritism and stereotyping are
even harder to avoid. You feel angry, resentful and envious of your twin’s success and the attention he is receiving, as well
as deeply hurt as he seems to be pulling away from and replacing you
with a girlfriend and new friends. Teenagers, including twins, develop and
mature at different rates, and it may be that your twin is ahead of you in
some areas.
I believe that underlying your conflict with him is pain at feeling
rejected, and a fear of being alone and apart from him, as he may have
always been the one on whom you relied for support. You may feel lost,
as he was always the decision-maker and the leader, while you were more
the follower.
Part of your twin psychology is to confront your dependence on your
twin, and begin to separate by developing a healthier self-concept. You
may look identical in facial features, but have very different abilities, needs
and talents.
This may involve opting for separate classes, in order to diffuse and
minimise the rivalry between you, as well as perhaps choosing different
subjects in a bid to avoid comparisons. You need to develop your own
• Research shows that adolescent twin boys
interests, extra-murals and friendships. Sometimes parents inadvertently
fuel the conflict between twins by labelling one or