WIT & WISDOM
BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS
WIT
THE LOTTERY WINNER
WHEN THINGS GO MISSING
Moishe goes into a police station to report that his
wife Rebecca is missing.
Moishe: I’ve lost my wife. She went shopping
yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant: How tall is she, sir?
Moishe: I think she’s five-foot-something.
Sergeant: And what about her build?
Moishe: She’s not slim, but she’s not fat either.
Sergeant: What colour are her eyes, sir?
Moishe: Um… I can’t remember.
Sergeant: And what about the colour of her hair?
Moishe: It changes all the time depending on what
hairdresser she goes to.
Sergeant: What clothes was she wearing when you
last saw her?
Moishe: I don’t know. It could have been a blue dress.
Or maybe a black one. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: When she left to go shopping, did she go
by car?
Moishe: Yes she did.
Sergeant: And what is the make of the car?
Moishe: It’s a high-performance 560 HP Audi in a
very special silver grey metallic paint. It has 8-speed
paddle-shift automatic transmission and a 6.35 litre
V12 engine generating at least 460 HP. It has the
Z51 Super Performance
Package; larger
than normal
alloy wheels;
GT bucket
seats; satellite
navigation with
worldwide coverage,
and Direct Injection. It also
unfortunately has a very thin scratch on
the front left door. And…
At this point, Moishe starts to cry.
Sergeant: Don’t worry sir…We’ll find your car.
26 JEWISH LIFE ■ ISSUE 85
A
BIG LEAP
The Rosenbergs were on their first trip to Israel and they
wanted to do something adventurous, so they decided
to go skydiving. During the class, Itzik the skydiving
instructor was taking questions.
Jack Rosenberg thought for a bit and then put up his
hand, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t
open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”
Itzik looked at Jack and responded, straight-faced, “The
rest of your life.”
EUPHEMISMS
Chaim Yankel tells his doctor that he’s incapable of
doing all the things around the house that he used to
do when he was younger. When the examination is
over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English – what’s
wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
Chaim Yankel nods. “Okay, now give me the medical
term so I can tell my wife.”
HOW TO REMEMBER
YOUR PASSWORD
“Oy! Am I getting worried about my memory,” says 75-year-old
Rachel to her best friend Sarah.
“Nu, so why is that?” asks Sarah.
“Every time I do online banking, I just don’t seem to be able to
remember my password. I have to try many times before I enter
the right code. Do you have such tzores?
“No I don’t, Rachel,” replies Sarah. “I’ve found a way around such
problems.”
“So what do you do then?” asks Rachel.
“I changed my password to ‘incorrect’,” replies Sarah. “Then, if I enter
a different code, my computer tells me, “Your password is incorrect.”
TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS; PHOTOGRAPHS: BIGSTOCKPHOTO; ALL-FREE-DOWNLOAD
Miriam arrives home. She runs into the house, slams
the front door, and shouts at the top of her voice,
“Moishe! Pack your bags. I’ve just won the
R25 million Powerball Lottery!”
Moishe says, “Oh my goodness, what fantastic news.
Should I pack for a cruise or skiing?”
Miriam yells back, “I don’t care where you go, just
pack your bags!”