GOT ISSUES? SERENNE CAN HELP EMAIL: [email protected]
DEAR SERENNE
’m a 13-year-old girl in grade 7 and
I’m struggling in a friendship that’s
getting me down. To me she is my
best friend, but I often end up feeling
bad and unhappy when I’m with her.
She’s got a lot of other friends, but
I don’t have other friends, and it’s
so important to me that she lets me
stay friends with her. I’m really good
at school work, but she’s not, and
often asks for my help with essays
and projects and stuff. Last night, I
was up until after midnight finishing
an assignment for her. My mom
says this is ridiculous, but my friend
really needs me. She also borrows
my clothes and money often, which
annoys my mom too. But then she
includes me in her arrangements on
the weekend. I’m scared to lose her,
but is she using me?
Friend in Need
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Dear Friend in Need
You are describing a friendship which appears to
have an imbalance of power, in which you are being
exploited and taken advantage of. Your mom is correct
in being uncomfortable with the unequal distribution
of resources in the relationship, which means simply
that you are doing way more hard work in the friendship
than your friend is. In healthy friendships, there is
reciprocity of giving and taking, and boundaries and
expectations are more evenly worked out. In your case, I believe your low
self-esteem is setting you up to tolerate behaviour that verges on abusive,
because of the belief that she holds the key to you being socially acceptable.
YOU ARE PAYING A HIGH PRICE FOR
THIS RELATIONSHIP, WHICH HAS ROBBED
YOU OF YOUR VOICE, AND LEAVES YOU
FEELING UNSAFE AND VULNERABLE.
I’m guessing you are what is known as a “people pleaser”, someone who
finds it difficult to say no and who relies on others for approval and a sense
of worth. The red flags here are the negative, uncomfortable feelings that
you are left with in this friendship and the way you view yourself as a passive
satellite of hers. You are paying a high price for this relationship, which has
robbed you of your voice, and leaves you feeling unsafe and vulnerable.
These are not healthy ways
to interact and may reflect a
pattern called co-dependence.
In order to break the cycle,
you need to learn to assert
yourself, set better boundaries
and realise that “no” is also an
answer when inappropriate
demands are made of you.
You may need help in getting
to a place where your sense
of worth is internal, and not
contingent on other people’s
opinions of you. When you are
able to do this more effectively,
the rewards are enormous; you
will enjoy friendships where
you don’t feel so compromised,
a