BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS
THE WRISTWATCH
GROWING UP JEWISH
WIT
shout, “Are you
normal for someone to
grew up thinking it was
You
in there longer
m door when you were
ay?” through the bathroo
ok
than three minutes.
Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent
visiting your grandparents and/
or other relatives.
You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a
10-foot-wide dining room, hitting each other with plastic plates
trying to get to a deli tray.
bro
on eyeb ws
ale relative who pencilled
You had at least one fem
etrical.
which were always asymm
You were as tall as your grandmother was by the age of seven.
was by
You were as tall as your grandfather
age seven-and-a-half.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn’t end in one of five
standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz).
like
ays taste lik
alw
cover that wine doesn’t
You were surprised to dis
cranberry sauce.
When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to
make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
it.
dish but you can’t speak
You can understand Yid
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use
them correctly in context, yet you don’t know exactly what they
mean. Kaynahurra.
king both Yiddish
ur parents for not speaki
You’re still angry with yo
you were a baby.
and English to you when
You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your
spouse’s ancestor.
d was normal.
You thought speaking lou
You thought eating half a jar of dill pickles was a wholesome snack.
personal pride when a Jew was
Your mother or grandmother took
wbiz, medicine, politics, etc)
noted for some accomplishment (sho
when a Jew was accused of a
and was ashamed and embarrassed
crime... As if they were relatives.
Yarmulke Youngster
When a young boy was asked by his father to say Maariv, he realised
he didn’t have his yarmulke... so he asked his little brother, Moishale,
to rest a hand on his head until Maariv was over. Moishale grew
impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said,
“This is important Moishale... put your hand back on Dovid’s head!”
To which Moishale exclaimed: “What, am I my brother’s kippah?”
26 JEWISH LIFE
ISSUE 86
Yaakov, an up-and-coming Jewish
inventor, is struggling through a
bus station with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases, when a
stranger walks up to him and asks,
“Have you got the time?” Yaakov
sighs, puts down the suitcases, and
glances at his wrist.
“It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!”
exclaims the stranger.
Yaakov brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not
bad. Check this out,” and he shows him a
time zone display not just for every time
zone in the world, but for the 50 largest cities. He hits
a few buttons and, from somewhere on the watch, a
voice says, “The time is eleven ‘til six” in a very West Texas
accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says
something in Japanese. Yaakov continues, “I’ve put in
regional accents for each city.” The display is unbelievably
high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The
stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
“That’s not all,” says Yaakov. He pushes a few more
buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New
York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows
our location by GPS,” explains Yaakov. “View recede ten,”
Yaakov says, and the display changes to show eastern
New York State.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working
out the bugs,” says the inventor. “But look at this,” and
he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a
creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner,
a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125
metres, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most
impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up
to 300 standard-size books,” Though I only have 32 of my
favourites in there so far,” says Yaakov.
“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”
“I’ll give you $1 000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than that.”
“I’ll give you $5 000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you $15 000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out
a chequebook. Yaakov stops to think. He’s only put
about $8 500 into materials and development, and with
$15 000 he can make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the cheque and waves it in
front of him.
“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.
$15 000. Take it or leave it.”
Yaakov abruptly makes his decision. “Okay,” he says, and
peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the
stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Yaakov after the stranger, who
turns around warily. Yaakov points to the two suitcases
he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
“Don’t forget your batteries.”
TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS; PHOTOGRAPHS: BIGSTOCKPHOTO; ALL-FREE-DOWNLOAD
WIT & WISDOM