WIT & WISDOM
BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS
WIT
Yaakov’s mother-in-law asked him to drive her
around the city so she could run a few errands.
After a while, Yaakov’s cell phone rang. It was
his mother in law.
“You left without me. You’ve been driving for
the last 20 minutes without me!”
“Baruch Hashem,” Yaakov replied.
“Pardon me?” his mother-in-law said, offended.
“For a while there, I thought I had gone deaf.”
Get Cracking
Miri is making scrambled eggs when her husband
Moishe bursts into the kitchen.
“Careful,” Moishe cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too
many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We
need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful!
Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!
THE SALT!!”
Miri turns
to Moishe all
flustered and
asks, “What is
wrong with
you?”
Moishe
calmly
replies,
“I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m
driving you to the shops.”
Four International
Businessmen
Seamus O’Leary, Nicholas Montagu-Scott,
Abdul El-Fayed and Harry Goldberg were
discussing business during a dinner.
Seamus: “I have a massive fortune... I am going
to buy JP Morgan!”
Nicholas: “I am exceptionally wealthy and will
buy HSBC!”
Abdul: “I have riches beyond compare... I
intend to purchase Royal Dutch Shell!”
They then all wait for Harry to speak... He stirs
his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table,
takes a sip, replaces the cup, looks at them and
casually says: “I’m not selling!”
24 JEWISH LIFE QISSUE 87
LESSONS MY JEWISH MOTHER
taught
g me
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TO APPREC
IATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If
you two are going to kill each othe
r, do it outside – I’ve just finished
cleaning!”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME RELIGION: “You’d better pray that the
stain will come out of the carpet.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIM
E TRAVEL: “If you don’t
behave, I’m going to knock you into
the middle of next week!”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME IRONY: “Kee
p crying and I’ll give you
something to cry about.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT STA
MINA: “You’ll sit there ‘till all
your spinach is finished.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER: “It looks as if a
tornado swept through your room.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYP
OCRISY: “If I’ve told you
once, I’ve told you a million times –
don’t exaggerate!”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: “I brought you into
this world, and I can take you out.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEH
AVIOUR MODIFICATION:
“Stop acting like your father!”
KIDS SPEAK
Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to the other
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are
you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m having my tonsils out. I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they
give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
The second kid replies, “Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS; PHOTOGRAPHS: BIGSTOCKPHOTO; FREEPIK.COM
Driving him Crazy