WIT & WISDOM
BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS
WIT
THE PHONE CALL
Real Nachas
The United States of America has recently elected the first
Jewish president, and it’s the day of his inauguration.
In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans
over to a senator sitting next to her.
“You see that man over there with his hand on the Bible?”
The senator whispers back, “Yes I do.”
Says the mother proudly, “His brother’s a doctor!”
THE SHEILAH
A yeshiva student somehow came to win two
tickets to the Opera, so he went to his rabbi to
ask if he would be committing a transgression
by going. The rabbi thought for a bit and said:
“It’s not oy’ver ‘till the fat lady sings.”
THE LOGICAL THIEF
Sammy stole the rabbi’s gold watch.
He didn’t feel too good about it, so he
decided, after a sleepless night, to go
to the rabbi.
“Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.”
“But Sammy! That’s forbidden!
You should return it immediately!”
“What shall I do?”
“Give it back to the owner.”
“Do you want it?”
“No, I said return it to
its owner.”
“But he doesn’t want it.”
“In that case, you can keep it.”
TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS; PHOTOGRAPHS: BIGSTOCKPHOTO; ALL-FREE-DOWNLOAD
A daughter phones her mum…
Jewish mother: “Hello?”
Daughter: “Hi Mummy. Can I leave the children with
you tonight?”
JM: “So tell me – you’re going out?”
D: “I wouldn’t be asking otherwise, would I?”
JM: “Then I need you to tell me who you are going out
with.”
D: “With a friend, Mummy, just a friend.”
JM: “I’ll never understand why you left your lovely
husband. Such a nice man.”
D: “I didn’t leave him, mummy. He left me!”
JM: “You let him leave you, more like, and now you’re
going out with these anybodies and nobodies.”
D: “I do not go out with just anybody. Can I bring the
kids over please?”
JM: “I never used to leave you to go out with anyone,
unless with your father.”
D: “There are lots of things that you used to do that I
don’t!”
JM: “What are you hinting at?”
D: “Nothing mother. All I want to know is, will you
have the kids to stay till late tonight?”
JM: “You’re staying late with him even? What will
your husband say if he finds out?”
D: “My ex-husband!” There’s no way he’ll be bothered.
JM: “So you’re planning a late night over at this loser’s
place?”
D: “He’s not a loser!”
JM: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with
children is a loser and has no principles. Next you’ll be
telling me he’s not even Jewish!”
D: “Look mother, I don’t want to argue. Am I bringing
the kids over or not?”
JM: “Those poor children, with such a mother and no
stability. No wonder your husband left you!”
D: “That’s enough!!!”
JM: “Don’t you dare scream at me. It wouldn’t
surprise me if you scream at the loser too!”
D: “So now you’re worrying about the loser?”
JM: “Ah, so you’re admitting it. He is a loser. I spotted
it immediately.”
D: “Well that’s it! Goodbye mother.”