IN Hampton Fall 2017 | Page 15

INDUSTRY INSIGHT FUNERAL SERVICES SPONSORED CONTENT The Second Year “And grief is not something you complete But rather you endure Grief is not a task to finish And move on But an element of yourself An alteration of your being A new way of seeing A new definition of self.” – Gwen Flowers S ome grief experts talk about how the first year after the death of someone close is the most difficult. More people than you would expect have told me that the roughest time for them has been the second year. What is the disconnection between the “experts” and the survivors? That magic one year-mark does not cure the hurt. It’s still there. Some have said it is worse because friends and family “expect” you to have moved on with life. The survivor also expects to have made some progress of healing: “Why don’t I feel better?” “What’s the matter with me?” Our own expectations are a huge part of the equation. Do you recall when a movie or show or the meal at that new fancy restaurant didn’t live up to expectations? There is disappointment. The same thing happens with the expectation of grief healing. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you also have to be firm with others so that their expectations of you don’t become your own expectations. Set realistic goals and expectations. In grief, there is no right or wrong. Everyone deals with each death differently. For many, the first year is the year of numbness. That grief has been described as like being caught in a riptide. People feel the crashing waves of grief and the fear of no escape. Logic and reason can get lost in grief. Not only is there numbness but interruptions. Lots of them. Bills need to be paid, the estate is handled, and meetings with the attorney, insurance agent and the accountant happen. The survivor’s estate needs reviewed and planned. Then come the firsts after a death–birthday, anniversary, holidays. They all seem never-ending. Survivors sometimes expect that if they navigate those, the sailing should be smoother. As the second anniversary of the death comes around, many financial and estate issues have been settled. There is no one else to acknowledge. There are fewer things to do. There is now time to seek out the new identity. Who do I become? How do I become? Why do I become? What will I do financially? What if someone new wants to date me? Where does faith fit in? In the moments of silence, the loss gets internalized. We do not know what we lost until it is lost. Life continues to change without a partner, child, sibling or parent. Introspection, silence and solitude become more of the norm. The question now becomes, “So, what do I do now?” Some thrive in their survival. Others have feelings of abandonment by the person who died and by family and friends. For those new to the grief of a death, this message is that your journey will not be a clean, linear path to healing and righteous grief. Things may progress slowly. There may be a really good period of time passing. There will be a setback. Then the progress begins again. What is left are memories. Those memories help us to establish the importance of our loss. “In time, memories become our most precious possession. The ones that hurt the most become the ones we never tire of telling.” – Doug Manning This Industry Insight was written by Frank Perman, FD, Supervisor, CFSP, CPC, CCO, CFC. He is the owner of Perman Funeral Home and Cremation Services Inc., 923 Saxonburg Boulevard at Rt. 8 in Shaler Township. Mr. Perman believes an educated consumer makes the most personal, affordable and memorable decisions. Inquiries may be made to him at 412.486.3600 or emailed to [email protected]. Hampton | Fall 2017 | icmags.com 13