If and Only If: A Journal of Body Image and Eating Disorders Winter 2015 | Page 36

Caroline Rothstein

Drowning

Around my lower abdomen,

wrapping around my hips,

hovering on my thighs,

there is an inner-tube,

which inflated over the course

of several months;

it began as an idea, or a

concern rather,

and became a hyperbole

for my emotions.

It is a floating device

to keep me from drowning.

But I am a very strong swimmer

(I used to be a lifeguard),

equipped to bring myself

to shore, or a rescue boat,

or anything concrete and able

to help me stop treading water.

This inner-tube doesn't feel good.

It is obstructing my breath,

and my rest, and limits the depth

with which I can swim - in any

direction, and it is - in and of

itself - perhaps, maybe

the drowning anyhow.

I have been looking for the valve,

to pull the plug,

and let the air deflate.

I am sure that swimming