sweat and piss, far from the phone. I have crawled to the receiver, inch-by-inch, hour-by-hour, to press a speed dial button for help — my lover or mother. I have peed myself, busted my head open on the nightstand, fallen down steps, wrecked the car. I have a survival instinct. I like to sleep alone.
I have been wrestled by paramedics, who rip my clothes to get an infusion of glucose in my vein. I have been naked and red, thrashing and screaming. I have shown all the worst parts of myself to everyone I love — my daughter — and they forgive me, but they don’t, not really.
Blame
There is always fault; I am to blame. I took too much insulin, didn’t eat enough, drank too much, danced too much. I am the one who should be grateful, humble, thankful. I could be dead. I look in my ex-lovers’ eyes and see relief; they don’t have to deal with this anymore; they don’t have to save me; it’s somebody else’s job now. I have to tell everyone I know that I am a diabetic, just in case.
But I am a good diabetic — except the drinking. I run daily with my dog. I test my blood sugar 10 times a day — especially before driving or sleeping. I wear an insulin pump and change the infusion set every 2 days, embedding a catheter to deliver insulin. I wear a monitor that inserts a sensor deep into my skin and calibrates my blood sugars 24-7 so I can upload the data for my endocrinologist, who I see every 4 months. She makes nuanced adjustments to my intake and sensitivity rates based on the numbers. It changes according to stress, activity, hormones. Menopause is a nightmare. I pay thousands of dollars for my disease, which I resent. I am a vegetarian. Sometimes I smoke.
Control
I am smoking right now as I write this alone, my daughter with her father. I need to be careful. I am on my second glass of wine, which drives blood sugar down, so I need to eat. I need to not eat too much and then throw up. I need to be in control.
Control is everything. I keep my blood sugars between 80 and 120, but better low than high. My H1cs (blood sugars averaged out over a 3 month period) are between 5.3 and 5.5 — far better than most Type 1