How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 79
The conspiracy not to tell
Marriages are often held
together by a joint conspiracy
to limit communication. In
many cases, an unspoken
agreement is understood by
both partners at a deep level—
a level of fear, safety and
security. Partners conspire to
restrict and filter their
interactions because, deep
down, they sense the danger
involved in expressing
themselves more openly.
Once this pact of limited
communication is broken, the
lid of Pandora’s box can blast
open and an explosion of
issues that were previously
concealed can fill the air.
Open communication always
forces unspoken needs, hurts
and resentments that lie
beneath the surface to spring
forth. The stability and
harmony that
noncommunication preserved
are shattered once newly
voiced concerns break the
calm. This disruption can
certainly be a positive factor
in making a marriage better,
but only if the partners are prepared and equipped to deal with the issues and conflicts that erupt.
To chance such openness, you need strong confidence in your spouse’s devotion and commitment to the
relationship. You need to trust that your mate is ultimately “with you” rather than “against you.” You have to
believe that he or she has your best interests at heart, especially when the two of you don’t see things eye to eye. An
atmosphere of safety and security has to exist so your opinions, needs and wishes can be revealed without
threatening either your integrity or the integrity of the relationship.
Sudden conflict
Within this context of safety, partners also need confidence in their ability to negotiate and resolve conflicts. It is
essential to have a mutual commitment to finding solutions that satisfy both parties. If I have faith that my partner is
invested in my happiness and well-being, then I can be free to communicate honestly without the fear of being taken
advantage of, ridiculed, degraded or abandoned.
Apart from the safety of a secure relationship and confidence in the ability to negotiate conflicts, couples should be
wary of simply “improving communication.” The truth is, good communication in and of itself does not make a
relationship better. Instead, good communication exposes conflict that when effectively dealt with, can promote a
more open and intimate connection.
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