How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 60
Every salesperson knows that there is little point in
establishing a great rapport with potential
customers, attracting their interest, gaining their
trust and so on, if you fail to 'close' – 'closing'
being sales-speak for actually making the sale,
securing the contract, getting the customer to hand
over money or sign on the dotted line. Sales staff
are specifically trained in 'closing techniques' to
help them achieve this all-important goal.
In the same way, if you are genuinely attracted to
your flirting partner, and want to see him or her
again, none of the flirting skills in this Guide will
be much use unless you can 'close' effectively. In
this case, your goal in 'closing' is to secure not a
contract or a sale, but the chance to meet again.
At the risk of rejection, this is the moment when
you must be explicit about your wishes. Subtle
hints and positive body-language will help you to
get to this point, and careful observation of your
partner's reactions will tell you whether your
'closing' is likely to be successful, but these
techniques cannot, by themselves, get you a phone
number or a date! You have to ask. And the most
effective strategy is simple honesty. You don't have to declare undying love, just ask: "Would you like to meet for a
drink sometime next week?" (or some equivalent, the exact words are unimportant, but it must a be a clear request). If
making a date on the spot would be awkward or inappropriate, say something like: "Perhaps we could meet again
sometime – could I have your phone number?"
Some American 'dating manuals' recommend that you precede this request with a statement such as "I've really enjoyed
talking with you and I'd like to see you again". You are welcome to do this if you wish, but it would seem to be already
implicit in the request for a date or phone number, and therefore somewhat superfluous.
Dating manuals and articles in glossy women's magazines also constantly insist that it is perfectly acceptable nowadays
for women to take the initiative in asking men out. In fact, they never fail to exclaim, men love it when women take the
initiative. This is quite true, and if you read the more scientific research on the subject, you will find out why. The
studies and experiments show that men perceive women who take the initiative in asking a man out as more sexually
available. To put it more bluntly, if a woman asks them out, they think they have a better chance of 'scoring'. Naturally,
they are delighted.
If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression, there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone
number, offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a
drink sometime? – here's my number". This makes it perfectly clear that
you are interested, but still requires the man to take the initiative in asking
for a date.
You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly oldfashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. It is not the place of
this Guide to make moral judgements about flirting, merely to provide
information on the latest scientific findings. Flirting has been part of
human behaviour for thousands of years, and whether we approve or not,
the latest findings show that not much has changed. Males have always
tended towards an over-optimistic interpretation of female signals, and
females have always adjusted their signals to encourage only selected
males.
D \