How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 55

or "What do you fancy in the 3.30?", a ritual opening which effectively
eliminates all the usual awkwardness of approaching a stranger.
Unless the context you are in provides such a convenient ritual, use the
IIC (Impersonal Interrogative Comment) formula. This formula can be
adapted to almost any situation or occasion. Just make a general,
impersonal comment on some aspect of the event, activity,
circumstances or surroundings, with a rising intonation or 'isn't it?'
type of ending. Your target will recognise this as a conversation-starter,
and his or her response will tell you immediately whether or not it is
welcomed.
There are of course degrees of positive and negative response to an IIC.
The elements you need to listen for are length, personalising and
questioning. As a general rule, the longer the response, the better. If
your target responds to your comment with a reply of the same length or
longer, this is a good sign. A personalised response, i.e. one including
the word 'I' (as in, for example, "Yes, I love this weather") is even more
positive. A personalised response ending in a question or interrogative
(rising) intonation (as in "I thought it was supposed to clear up by this afternoon?") is even better, and a personalised
response involving a personalised question, i.e. a response including the words 'I' and 'you', is the most positive of all.
So, if you say "Nice day, isn't it?" and your target replies "Yes, I was
getting so tired of all that rain, weren't you?", you are definitely in with
a chance. Note that there is nothing original, witty or clever about the
above exchange. You may even be inclined to dismiss it as polite,
boring and insignificant. In fact, a great deal of vital social information
has been exchanged. The opener has been recognised as a friendly
invitation to a conversation, the invitation has been accepted, the target
has revealed something about him/herself, expressed interest in you,
and even suggested that you might have something in common!
The biggest mistake most people make with opening lines is to try to
start a flirtation, rather than simply trying to start a conversation. If you
think about your opening line as initiating a conversation, rather than
starting a flirtation, use the IIC formula and pay close attention to the
verbal and non-verbal response, you cannot go wrong. Even if your
target does not find you attractive and declines your invitation to talk,
you will avoid causing offence and you will avoid the humiliation of a
direct rejection.

Turn-taking
Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target, your
success in making a favourable impression will depend as much on
your social skills as on what you say.
We have probably all met at least one person who is highly articulate,
witty and amusing, but who loses friends and alienates people by hogging the conversation, not allowing others to get a
word in. You may also have come across the equally irritating strong, silent type
who makes you do all the 'work' in the conversation – who never asks a question,
never expresses interest and makes no effort to keep the conversation flowing.
What you have to say may be fascinating, and you may express it with great
eloquence, but if you have not grasped the basic social skills involved in
conversational turn-taking, you will be perceived as arrogant and unpleasant, and
neither your target nor anyone else will enjoy your company.
The basic rule on how much to talk is very simple: try to make your contribution to
the conversation roughly equal to that of your partner. The essence of a good
conversation, and a successful flirtation, is reciprocity: give-and-take,
sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing equally as talkers and as
listeners.

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