How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 53

If your target gives you a deep-toned, low pitched, slow,
drawn-out "Good evening", with a slight rising intonation at
the end, as though asking a question, this is probably an
indication of attraction or at least interest. If you get a short,
high-pitched, clipped "Good evening", or a monotone,
expressionless version, your target is probably not interested
in you.
Once you are in conversation, remember that the intonation
of even a single word can communicate an immense variety
of emotions and meanings. As an experiment, try practising
variations in your intonation of the one-word response
"Yeah", and you will find that you can communicate
anything from enthusiastic agreement to grudging
acceptance to varying degrees of scepticism to total disbelief.
If you speak in a monotone, with little variation in pitch,
pace or tone of voice, you will be perceived as boring and
dull, even if what you are saying is truly fascinating or
exceptionally amusing. Loud volume, a booming tone and
too much variation in pitch will make you seem overbearing.
Speak too quietly or too slowly and you will seem
submissive or even depressed. Aim for moderation in
volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch and pace to
hold your companion's interest.
Also remember that a rising or falling intonation, especially when accompanied by a drop in volume, is a 'turn-yielding
cue', whereby speakers signal that they have finished what they are saying and are ready to listen to the other person.
When you hear these vocal signals, your companion is probably indicating that it is your turn to speak. When your
companion hears these signals, he or she may well assume that you are 'yielding' the floor. If you frequently end
sentences on a rising or falling intonation, with a drop in volume, and then carry on without allowing your companion to
speak, he or she will become frustrated. Taking your turn when your companion has not given any vocal 'turn-yielding
cues', even if he or she has finished a sentence, will be perceived as interruption, and is equally irritating.

Verbal flirting
Although your target's initial impressions of you will depend more on your appearance, body language and voice than
on what you actually say, successful flirting also requires
good conversation skills.
The 'art' of verbal flirting is really just a matter of knowing
the rules of conversation, the unwritten laws of etiquette
governing talking and listening. The best and most
enjoyable conversations may seem entirely spontaneous,
but the people involved are still obeying rules. The
difference is that they are following the rules
automatically, without consciously trying, just as skilled,
experienced drivers do not have think about changing
gears. But understanding how the rules of conversation
work – like learning how and when to change gears – will
help you to converse more fluently, and flirt more
successfully.
Studies have shown that women tend to be more skilled at
informal social conversation than men, both because they
are naturally more socially sensitive, and because they
have better verbal/communication skills. (Men make up for
this with superior visual-spatial abilities, but these are not much help in verbal flirting.) Men can, of course, easily learn
to be as skilled in the art of conversation as women – it is only a matter of following a few simple rules – but some do
not take the trouble to learn, or may be unaware of their deficiencies in this area. Those males who do take the trouble to
improve their conversation skills (perhaps by reading this Guide) have a definite advantage in the flirting stakes.

52