How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 52
touch on the arm, to draw attention, express support or emphasise a point, is likely to be acceptable and to enhance your
companion's positive feelings towards you.
If even this most innocuous of touches produces a negative reaction – such as pulling the arm away, increasing distance,
frowning, turning away or other expressions of displeasure or anxiety – you might as well give up now. Unless your
companion is exceptionally shy and reserved, negative reactions to a simple arm-touch probably indicate dislike or
distrust.
If your companion finds you likeable or attractive, a brief arm-touch should prompt
some reciprocal increase in intimacy. This may not be as obvious as a return of your
arm-touch, but watch for other positive body-language signals, such as increased eyecontact, moving closer to you, more open posture or postural echo, more smiling, etc.
Your arm-touch may even prompt an increase in verbal intimacy, so listen for any
disclosure of personal information, or more personal questions.
If you see or hear signs of a positive reaction to your arm-touch, you can, after a
reasonable interval, try another arm-touch, this time slightly less fleeting. If this
results in a further escalation of verbal or non-verbal intimacy from your companion,
you might consider moving to the next stage: a hand-touch.
Remember that a hand-touch, unless it is the conventional handshake of greeting or
parting, is much more personal than an arm-touch. By touching your companion's
hand, you are opening negotiations towards a higher degree of intimacy, so keep it
light and brief: a question, not an order.
A negative reaction to your hand-touch, such as the non-verbal signals of displeasure
or anxiety mentioned above, does not necessarily mean that your companion dislikes
you, but it is a clear indication that your attempt to advance to the next level of intimacy is either premature or
unwelcome. A very positive reaction, involving a significant increase in verbal or non-verbal intimacy, can be taken as
permission to try another hand-touch at an appropriate moment.
Highly positive reactions to a second hand-touch – such as a definite and unambiguous attempt to move closer to you,
reciprocal arm- and hand-touching, along with significantly more personal questions, more disclosure of personal
information and more expression of emotion – can be taken as permission to proceed, with caution, to a higher level of
intimacy. The next stages might involve a hand-squeeze or hand-hold, repeated twice before moving on to an arm over
the shoulders, or perhaps a brief knee-touch. (Males should note, however, that positive reactions to any of these
touches can not be taken as permission to grope.)
You will have noticed that we advise performing each touch two times before progressing to the next level. This is
because repeating the same touch, perhaps with a slightly longer duration, allows you to check that reactions are still
positive, that you were not mistaken in your judgement that the touch was acceptable. The repetition also tells your
companion that the first touch was not accidental or unconscious, that you are consciously negotiating for an increase in
intimacy. Repeating the same touch before moving to the next level is a non-verbal way of saying "Are you sure?".
Vocal signals
You may be surprised to see this heading in the 'Non-verbal flirting' section, but
'verbal' means 'words' and vocal signals such as tone of voice, pitch, volume,
speed of speech, etc. are like body-language in that they are not about what you
say, the words you use, but about how you say it.
We noted at the beginning of this 'non-verbal' section that people's first
impressions of you are based 55% on your appearance and body language, 38%
on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say. In other words,
body-language may be your most important 'flirting tool', but vocal signals come
a very close second. The more you think about that 38%, the more concerned
you will be to ensure that your vocal signals make the