How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 45

Gestures
As well as overall body posture, the gestures we use can
signal interest, attraction and invitation – or discomfort,
dislike and rejection.
When flirting, it is important to be aware of these nonverbal cues, both in 'reading' your partner's bodylanguage and in controlling the messages you are sending
with your own gestures.
In conversation, gestures are mainly used to enliven,
clarify and 'punctuate' our speech, or to show
responsiveness to what the other person is saying. In a
flirtatious encounter, the amount of gesticulation, the
directions of the gestures and the co-ordination of
gestures can indicate the degree of interest and
involvement your partner feels towards you.
Different cultures vary widely in the amount of
gesticulation that accompanies their speech (Italians say
that you can silence an Italian by tying his hands behind
his back), and even within a single culture, some people
naturally express themselves more through gestures than
others. Generally, however, someone who is interested in
you will be more lively and animated in conversation,
using more gestures when speaking in order to keep your
attention, and more responsive gestures to show interest
when you are speaking.
Similarly, you can signal interest in your partner, and keep his/her attention focused on you, by enhancing your speech
with appropriate gestures: shifting your hands or head
slightly at the end of sentences, using downward hand
movements to emphasise a point, 'projecting' what you are
saying towards your partner by open-palm hand
movements and so on. When your partner is speaking, you
can show responsiveness by nodding in agreement,
throwing up your hands in surprise, bringing them
together in a 'silent clap' of appreciation, etc.
Researchers have found that nodding can be used to
'regulate' conversations. If you make single, brief nods
while your partner is speaking, these act as simple signs of
attentiveness, which will maintain the flow of
communication from the speaker. Double nods will
change the rate at which the other person speaks, usually
speeding up the flow, while triple nods or single, slow
nods often interrupt the flow altogether, confusing
speakers so much that they stop in their tracks. So, if you
want to express interest and keep your partner chatting
with you, stick to brief single nods.
You can also watch for gestures which indicate anxiety
and nervousness, such as hand-clasping movements and
palm-rubbing. As a general rule, anxious gestures are
directed towards the anxious person's own body (known as
'proximal' movements), while 'distal' movements, directed
away from the body, are a sign of confidence. As well as
watching for these signals in your partner, you can control
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