How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 43

These distance rules apply particularly in faceto-face encounters. We will tolerate reduced
interpersonal distances when we are side by
side with someone. This is because when you
are alongside someone, it is easier to use other
aspects of body language, such as turning
away or avoiding eye contact, to 'limit' your
level of involvement with the other person.
You can therefore approach a bit closer than
'arm's length' if you are alongside your target –
at the bar counter of a pub, for example –
rather than face-to-face. But be careful to
avoid 'intrusive' body-language such as
prolonged eye contact or touching.
If you have misjudged the appropriate
distance, in either a face-to-face or side-byside encounter, the other person's discomfort may show in his/her body language. Your target may attempt to turn away
or avert his/her gaze to avoid eye contact. You may also see 'barrier signals' such as folded or tightly crossed legs, or
rubbing the neck with the elbow pointed towards you. If you see any of these signs, back off!
Finally, remember that different people have different reactions to distance. If your target is from a Mediterranean or
Latin American country (known as the 'contact cultures'), he or she may be comfortable with closer distances than a
British or Northern European person. North Americans fall somewhere between these two extremes. Different
personality-types may also react differently to your approach: extroverts and those who generally feel at ease in
company will be comfortable with closer distances than introverts and shy or nervous types. Even the same person may
vary in tolerance from day to day, according to mood: when we are feeling depressed or irritable, we find close
distances more uncomfortable.

Posture
Most of us are quite good at controlling our faces – maintaining an
expression of polite interest, for example, when we are really bored to
tears, or even nodding when we really disagree! But we tend to be less
conscious of what the rest of our body is doing. We may be smiling and
nodding, but unconsciously revealing our disagreement by a tense
posture with tightly folded arms. This is known as 'non-verbal leakage':
while we're busy controlling our words and faces, our real feelings 'leak
out' in our posture.
When flirting, you should therefore watch out for signs of this 'nonverbal leakage' in your partner's posture – and try to send the right
signals with your own posture.
Your partner's 'non-verbal leakage' can give you advance warning that
your chat-up isn't working. If only his/her head is turned towards you,
with the rest of the body oriented in another direction, this is a sign that
you do not have your