How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 39

Who to flirt with
'Flirting for fun'
At one level, you can flirt with more or less anyone. An
exchange of admiring glances or a bit of light-hearted flirtatious
banter can brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen
social bonds. Flirtation at this level is harmless fun, and only the
stuffiest killjoys could possibly have any objections.
Clearly, it makes sense to exercise a degree of caution with
people who are married or attached. Most people in long-term
relationships can cope with a bit of admiration, and may even
benefit from knowing that others find them or their partners
attractive, but couples differ in their tolerance of flirtatious
behaviour, and it is important to be alert to signs of discomfort
or distress.
Research has also shown that men have a tendency to mistake
friendly behaviour for sexual flirting. This is not because they
are stupid or deluded, but because they tend to see the world in
more sexual terms than women. There is also evidence to
suggest that women are naturally more socially skilled than men,
better at interpreting people's behaviour and responding
appropriately. Indeed, scientists have recently claimed that
women have a special 'diplomacy gene' which men lack.
This means that women need to be particularly careful to avoid
sending ambiguous signals in interactions with married men, and
men need to be aware that married/attached males may
misinterpret friendly behaviour towards their wives/girlfriends.
Otherwise, light-hearted flirtation is both harmless and
enjoyable.

'Flirting with intent'
But flirting is also an essential element of the mate-selection process, and when you are 'flirting with intent', rather than
just 'flirting for fun', you need to be a bit more selective about your choice of target.
In mate-selection flirting, there are two basic rules about who to flirt with that will increase your chances of success and
reduce the likelihood of embarrassing rejections.
1. Do initiate flirtation with people of roughly the same level of attractiveness as yourself
This will give you the best chance of compatability. Most successful marriages and long-term relationships are between
partners of more or less equal good looks. There is some leeway, of course, and other qualities are also important, but
statistically, relationships where one partner is much more attractive than the other tend to be less successful. Studies
have shown that the more evenly matched partners are in their attractiveness, the more likely they are to stay together.
But evaluating your own attractiveness may be difficult. Research has shown that many women have a poor bodyimage, and often underestimate their attractiveness. Some recent studies indicate, for example, that up to 80% of adult
women believe that they are too fat, and try to achieve a figure that is around two sizes smaller than the body-size men
find most desirable. If you are female, the odds are that you are more attractive than you think, so try flirting with some
better-looking men.
Men generally tend to be less critical of their own physical appearance than women. This is partly because standards of
beauty for males are much less rigid than for females, and a wider variety of shapes and features are considered
attractive. But it must be said that some men are also inclined to overestimate their attractiveness. If you are a more
honest male, and do not consider yourself good-looking, remember that most men lack expertise in the subtleties of
social interaction, so polishing up your flirting skills could give you the edge over a more attractive rival.

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