How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching and Counseling in Difficult Circumstances | Page 138

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Don’t start with the hardest questions. Although telling you how they feel is usually what makes stakeholders
feel most understood, most empathized with, questions about feelings are also the most intrusive questions. Fact
questions are much safer (unless the facts themselves are embarrassing or controversial). But fact questions that
call for a one-word or two-word answer don’t launch much of a conversation. The best questions ask
stakeholders to narrate a story: “What did you do when the sirens went off?” “What happened next?” Such
questions open the door to an emotional answer without demanding one. Later when the bond between you is
stronger, you can consider following up with questions specifically about their feelings.
Give stakeholders permission to be reticent. “If you want to tell me, I’d be grateful to learn more about why you
feel that way. But I can understand that you might not want to talk about it right now.” Paradoxically, most
people are likelier to talk about loaded topics after you’ve said they might not want to. (This is an example of
the seesaw of risk communication.)
Sound like you want to learn. Questioning feels empathic when the questioner gives the impression of honest
curiosity – of wanting to know the answer. If your questions feel perfunctory – if you sound like you already
know the answer or don’t really care about the answer – your stakeholders won’t experience the questioning as
empathic. Less empathic still is if you sound like you’re trying to catch your stakeholders in a contradiction or
an admission, if you seem to be collecting ammunition or scoring points rather than trying to understand. Of
course the best way to sound like you want to learn from your stakeholders is by actually wanting to learn from
your stakeholders. Just as you can’t express real empathy if you don’t feel empathic, you can’t express real
curiosity if you’re not curious. Questioning isn’t something you do to check it off on a list. You do it because
you want to understand your stakeholders better.
Look for role models, people wh